Category Archives: People

They may not really exists – but they are a laugh!

Fiona Farbetwain

Fiona Farbetwain was a Post Mistress in the Outer Hebrides. She came to fame after the sinking of the boat normally used to deliver the post by coming up with the novel solution of wading from one island to the next on stilts.

I’m a Celibate – Get Me Out of Here!

The idea was an extremely promising one with all the usual winning ingredients: Z-list celebrities, a predictable format and a telephone vote. Each week famous celibate celebs would be taken to some temptingly erotic location and titillated until they gave in – last one standing (or unencumbered by furry handcuffs) was the winner. However, the […]

Punchy Drunks

These fall broadly into three sub-categories: Comedy – lurch about swinging wildly and can’t hit a thing and can amuse you for hours but if you’re a good friend make sure they don’t hurt themselves. Professional – can hit really hard and are what Tasers were invented for.  aka “twats” or “psycopaths”. Literal – they […]

Kanelpyu (n.)

A terrible condition which afflicts anyone whose job involves repeating a breezy greeting or repetitive and insincere offer of assistance to people they really don’t care about.  This results in the creation of a whole host of new fictionary words like: Jawonanysawses? Jalykadrink? Pastrywivat? Enthintweet? Pliskallmibakon (incomprehensible phone number). Wojjalyke? Kannagajennything? Crispynutsothersnaks? Galarge? And the […]

Grumpy Drunks

Ok, you’ve got me, I put this in because of the 7 dwarves thing and can’t think of a gag… Grumpy drunks… they’re grumpy, don’t invite them to parties…

shaté (n.)

The end result of eating paté which has passed it’s sell by date.

Selfie-Expression

That really odd sideways and upwards look which makes the selfie taker look like they’ve had either an orgasm or a stroke…

Giggly Drunks

Prone to laughing at absolutely nothing until their eyes look just as red as [p2p type=”slug” value=”blubby-drunks”].

Sleepy Drunks

Very cute when they fall asleep, mildly annoying when they snore, yucky when they dribble in your crotch.

Cuddly Drunks

Depending on your mood and their attractiveness they can be great fun or a total liability. If attractiveness is the deciding factor – have more punch! If your mood is the deciding facor and you are any of the other [p2p type=”slug” value=”drunkenness”] types – apart from [p2p type=”slug” value=”punchy-drunks”] – drink more punch! Highly […]

Cucumber Trumpeting

The act of Cucumber Trumpeting involves hollowing out the fruit and, by adding the appropriate holes, playing it like a trumpet.  Honestly this sounds more like a flute or penny whistle to me, but I just have to go with the reasearch and trumpeting appears, at present, to be the popular term for this activity. […]

Blubby Drunks

Blubby Drunks careen around your party all evening crying and talking in that strange way where all the words run together until abruptly swinging into one of the other drunk types when they aren’t getting enough attention. Don’t let them near the punch – unless it’s our very own [p2p type=”slug” value=”bovril-punch”] – because they’ll […]

boozeburn (n.)

That unmistakable all year round ruddiness of the raging alcoholic.

thirdwit (n.)

The perfect term for those moments when you meet someone so idiotic that halfwit just won’t do and quarterwit seems too harsh…

Thumb Pointing

A clue that someone has had media training.  It is, apparently, rude to point. But people feel a natural inclination to do so when accusing each other.  The media trainers seem to teach people to tuck their index finger in… but that leaves the thumb resting on the tucked finger.  The hand still jabs towards […]

Shaving Mirror

A special magnifying device used to enhance the male ego when using the toilet.

Scotty B Dunn

A well known Scotts pragmatist.

Round Robin

Round Robin – an item of spam updating you on the minutiae of other peoples lives you’d rather not know. Here’s mine from last Christmas… It’s been a marvellous year. Following the publication of my third novel “Jerry Gerbil’s Adventures in Combat Accountancy” (sequel to “Jerry Gerbil’s ‘I Myself’ – Misadventures with Reflexive Pronouns”) we […]

pistential (adj.)

A feeling of unfulfilled promise you only get while profoundly drunk.

Donkeymail (n. or vb.(tr))

noun: A specialised sub-genre of blackmail where the blackmailer obtains or fakes pictures of the victim in compromising position with a donkey, pony or sheep. alt: a slightly slower, yet much more reliable form of message based communication.

Bullshit Bingo: Old People

For rules of play and other versions click [p2p type=”slug” value=”bullshit-bingo-rules”]. You will notice there are fewer to choose from than the other versions making this the hardest version… I got you two for wash ‘n’ wear…  I’ve bought you two hideous bath mats. Are you all alright?  I want to talk about medical procedures and […]

Drunkenness (vb.(tr))

There are five distinct kinds of drunk (click to see definitions): [p2p type=”slug” value=”sleepy-drunks”] [p2p type=”slug” value=”punchy-drunks”] [p2p type=”slug” value=”giggly-drunks”] [p2p type=”slug” value=”cuddly-drunks”] [p2p type=”slug” value=”grumpy-drunks”] And before anyone else points it out I know there’s a Snow White gag here somewhere… it’ll come to me.

Thai Food

GAI GOR DON – a deep fried Mars bar accompanied by bagpipes and dancing. KAO PAD GUM – a delicious deep fried cow pat garnished with well chewed bubblegum (which should still be warm and moist). PED RON – Thai version of a Mexcican dish from the East end of London. LAB GAI YANG – […]

Sorry ’bout that…

Aardvark Snurging

The act of sniffing an aardvark’s bicycle saddle.