The Pencil Test

This is a simple test to find out if the company you’re working for is in grave difficulties.

Order a pencil (or the smallest number of pencils you are allowed to order).

  • If they tell you to go to the stationary cupboard and it’s unlocked everything is fine.
  • If they tell you to go to the stationary cupboard and it’s locked – be wary, some form of cost conscious control freakery is in play.
  • If you have to fill in any kind of form for an individual pencil you may want to start circulating CVs…
  • If the form has to go all the way to board level for signatures … RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

thirdwit (n.)

The perfect term for those moments when you meet someone so idiotic that halfwit just won’t do and quarterwit seems too harsh…


Far Corfe

Far Corfe is a mythical village in Dorset and location of the the most idyllic pub in England – “”The Frog & Quantity Surveyor’s Arms & Head”.  Similar to Brigadoon except it’s there all the time but, in the same way as the rainbow’s end, it’s impossible to get to.  I know, because I’ve tried… […]


Spanky Pagoda

Spanky Pagoda (n.) a portable tent which allows the wearer to spank the monkey in private.


Vicious Squirrel

The Vicious Squirrel frequents the Chells neighborhood of Stevenage (Herts.), England. It destroys laundry left on the line to dry, often vomits, and eats small children weighing up to 13.5 kg.


Coy Carp

A very shy and non-commital ornamental fish usually found hiding under lily pads…


Verukalate

Verukalate [VEH-roo-KAH-late] (v.) 1. To act like Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory. 2. To be a snobby little brat


Scrump

Scrump (v.) (archaic) Stealing apples from an orchard. New definition: A scratch on a car bumper. Scrumps often cause disproportionate road rage in people who don’t understand how cities work…


Drightseeing

Drightseeing (v.) drag race sightseeing – the act of viewing spectacular and culturally rich spectacles as if it were a race.


Public Funt

An act of public affection interrupted two thirds of the way through when one participant is bitten on the bottom by a small woodland animal.


Thumb Pointing

A clue that someone has had media training.  It is, apparently, rude to point. But people feel a natural inclination to do so when accusing each other.  The media trainers seem to teach people to tuck their index finger in… but that leaves the thumb resting on the tucked finger.  The hand still jabs towards […]


Scubic Funt

A unit of measure: 0.66 recurring cubic meters of any substance used by builders. Billed to the client as a full cubic metre but undersized and generously garnished with: cigarette ends sweet papers used condoms


Somerset Gun Badger

Nature and evolution at their best. Rumours of the extermination campaign for eradicating TB have triggered a response. Armed with a variety of confiscated weaponry but much preferring a sawn off shotgun. As you can see from the image it has reached such epidemic proportions the authorities have been forced to erect warning signs. Pest […]


appley (adj.)

Used to describe any gadget guaranteed to divide opinion into three distinct camps… Camp 1: It is unmitigated genius the likes of which have never before been seen upon the face of the Earth and for which we should give daily thanks as its mere appearance is like the tears of an angel being cried […]


Beer function

beer( target string, your_xp(NOVICE, VETERAN, GURU), helper_xp(NOVICE, VETERAN,GURU) ) return result string; string – the code you cocked up. your_xp – your experience level. helper_xp – experience level of the guy who found the mistake. This function calculates the number of beers you owe the person who found your mistake. NB The algorithm is a […]


Rap Function

rap( target string, count number, substitution boolean ) return result string; string1 – the string to be modified. count – the number of adulterations to be applied (default 5, recommend < 10) substitution – a boolean flag which controls whether the algorithm can add, remove or change words to improve the rhyming of the result. […]


Stupid File

A text file containing the verbal fumbling, tongue trips and gaffes of friends and colleagues for example: Dilated pupils are a completely subconscious sign of sexual attraction – that’s why restaurants are lit by dark candles. They get a big leather book and chalk it in with a quill pen. We went into an antique shop looking […]


Hedge Magnet

A hidden device which causes drunken people or people trying to learn to ride a bike after the age of 30 (sorry Babe) to fall into hedges at random.


Eye Snot

That mysterious dirt you find stuck to the inside of your glasses even though you haven’t touched them.


Ballistic Teddy

A phrase used to describe an incident where someone has become very, very upset or frustrated and thrown their toys from the pram at lethal speed.  A good friend of mine manufactured a clear plastic enclosure attached to a pillar near his desk – inside was a miniature teddy bear.  Clearly marked on the fron […]


Online Auction Site

A place where the word “genuine” frequently appears inside double quotes… A place where people complain an item hasn’t arrived but go all quiet when you send them their digital signature from the carrier’s website… A place where people strangely think charging postage and packing is an outrage… A place where people SHOUT ABOUT EVERYTHING […]


Bullshit Bingo: Politicians

For rules of play and other versions click . I don’t think people are interested in… I think people are tired of… We need to draw a line under this . Taking the tough decisions.  Ignoring the electorate and doing things they don’t like. We’re consulting with those affected at every stage . There’s much […]


Trumpterfuge

trumpterfuge (n.): Going to a wildlife park or zoo with the specific intention of hiding the vile smells being produced by your own arse. See also


Gradual Gunfire

This begs the question: Is there such a thing as “Gradual Gunfire”?


Bideccaquadritis (n.)

A severe addiction to 24 resulting in the use of the following phrases in casual conversation by the vending machines: “That’s a mistake – never select decaf.” “You have to let me do it my way – otherwise the sliding door thing get’s stuck.” “I don’t care! I like the taste of dishwater.” “Tell me […]