WikiFictionary

I was going to get this page written by a genuine French person… but she went on strike and blocked my drive with her car.

Fiona Farbetwain was a Post Mistress in the Outer Hebrides. She came to fame after the sinking of the boat normally used to deliver the post by coming up with the novel solution of wading from one island to the next on stilts.

Fact Deletion Syndrome – The uncanny ability of a newspaper to delete all relevant information from a news story.

The only country in the world where the bowler hat is still considered fashionable, the Carry On films hip and cool and calling women “love” or “darling” still socially acceptable.

A classic French dish where a duck is distracted from it’s weight training regime to be killed, incinerated and drowned in a sickly sweet orange treacle.

Not to be confused with the classic British dish Duck a la Range.

The really cold one above and a bit the the left of Canada where everyone is constantly drunk on tequila from a bottle with some blokes toe in it.

The one above the USA.  This is, in fact, where all the Americans are born.  First they learn the basics by practising not saying please or thank you. Next they they learn to shoot things, execute people and drive pickup trucks.  A quick course in “How to Increase Your Carbon Footprint” and “How not to Run a Banking System” and they’re ready to roll across the border.

Mexico is the the cute warm little country below the USA.  It has really cool bullet ridden mud houses.  The main import for Mexico is fugitives and main exports are domestic staff and donkeys.

The bit above Mexico but below Canada.  The main difference between Canada and the USA is that more male citizens of the USA have had sex with an animal than have a passport.

The idea was an extremely promising one with all the usual winning ingredients: Z-list celebrities, a predictable format and a telephone vote. Each week famous celibate celebs would be taken to some temptingly erotic location and titillated until they gave in – last one standing (or unencumbered by furry handcuffs) was the winner. However, the first episode was screened from Amsterdam and the temptation proved too much for every celibate on the program before filming proper had started – they ended up with 4 minutes and 32 seconds which was suitable for broadcast even after the watershed. The series was finally killed when they realised the ten celebrities who had taken part were the industry’s entire supply of celibates (and that three of them had lied to get on the program).

Nestled in the Mendip hills near the river Piddling it has a chocolate box look with no roads signs and very few street lights.

These fall broadly into three sub-categories:

• Comedy – lurch about swinging wildly and can’t hit a thing and can amuse you for hours but if you’re a good friend make sure they don’t hurt themselves.
• Professional – can hit really hard and are what Tasers were invented for.  aka “twats” or “psycopaths”.
• Literal – they are called “punchy drunks” because they drink all the damn punch… you might want to Scotchgard your carpet.

A terrible condition which afflicts anyone whose job involves repeating a breezy greeting or repetitive and insincere offer of assistance to people they really don’t give a crap about.  This results in the creation of a whole host of new fictionary words like:

• Jawonanysawses?
• Jalykadrink?
• Pastrywivat?
• Enthintweet?
• Pliskallmibakon<incomprehensibly babbled phone number>by.
• Wojjalyke?
• Kannagajennything?
• Crispynutsothersnaks?
• Galarge?

And the eponymous kanelpyu… diagnosis is relatively straightforward as the questioner is distorting your reply in a similar way so anything vaguely resembling an expected answer will result in the delivery of the correct item.  For instance when asked Crispynutsothersnaks? If the reply ”A packet of penis please.” results in a packet of peanuts rather than a call to the police… they are definitely suffering from kanelpyu.

Izabluddy clown innit? Bowtize fulla booozze... leeme aloooone...

Ok, you’ve got me, I put this in because of the 7 dwarves thing and can’t think of a gag…

Grumpy drunks… they’re grumpy, don’t invite them to parties…

The end result of eating paté which has passed it’s sell by date.

Prone to laughing at absolutely nothing until their eyes look just as red as Blubby Drunks.

Very cute when they fall asleep, mildly annoying when they snore, yucky when they dribble in your crotch.

Depending on your mood and their attractiveness they can be great fun or a total liability.

If attractiveness is the deciding factor – have more punch!

If your mood is the deciding facor and you are any of the other Drunkenness (vb.(tr)) types – apart from Punchy Drunks – drink more punch!

Highly likely to become Sleepy Drunks with the rapidity of a battery operated toy.

The act of Cucumber Trumpeting involves hollowing out the fruit and, by adding the appropriate holes, playing it like a trumpet.  Honestly this sounds more like a flute or penny whistle to me, but I just have to go with the reasearch and trumpeting appears, at present, to be the popular term for this activity.

PS This may be some sort of sexual euphemism I’ve failed to understand.

Blubby Drunks careen around your party all evening crying and talking in that strange way where all the words run together until abruptly swinging into one of the other drunk types when they aren’t getting enough attention. Don’t let them near the punch – unless it’s our very own Bovril Punch – because they’ll cry and snot into it and fruit punches taste really crap with salt in them.

Analyst Needs New Yacht – someone is padding the task with impressive presentations and protestations of complexity – do some more weeding.

bialance (n) :  A combination of bias and balance.  A media technique which appears to add objectivity to an item but actually allows the creator to twist the result to their preferred outcome.

Technique 1: Ask a person you disagree with to come onto the program to “express their viewpoint” or “set the record straight” then invite either a vociferous opponent or an angry person affected by whatever issue is under discussion.

Technique 2: Ask people on the street for their comments then, irrespective of the proportions expressing a preference for the available options, edit the piece to give the desired impression.  This applies a lot to UK political coverage where opinions frequently seem to split evenly two or three ways when the reality seems unlikely to be this simple.

If you can give someone a false sense of security – can you give them a genuine sense of insecurity?

Wimborne (a.k.a Wimborne Pants): Originating near the Dorset/Somerset border this is a completely non-contact, defensive art practiced principally in public houses.

Scenario: Having accidentally jostled a fellow customer you are confronted with a very irate “Oy mate! Did you spill my pint?“

Escape Phase 1: You turn 10 degrees towards the assailant, widen your eyes, opens your mouth as wide as possible and shout the word “Wimborne” without closing your mouth.

Escape Phase 2: The assailant usually retreats rapidly at this juncture but if they don’t you can follow up with a quick tilt of the head, rolling your eyes upwards, mouth still wide, and then utter the words “Wimborne pants”, again without closing your mouth. Done loudly and firmly this will end the encounter.

Advanced: practitioners have perfected a plaintive version where the pants-phase is done with a lowered voice and a pathetic slightly questioning tone. Done correctly this should result in the assailant buying the you a pint.

Resting between bouts...

Well you have to don’t you – their just so damned versatile… scrambled, boiled, omeletted.

It's in here somewhere...