A noun which the has been turned into a verb: e.g. party, favourite or more recently medal…
nail gun (n.) a) A kind of hair drier device used by builders to dry their nail varnish. b) A weapon used to hold up beauty salons. WARNING: To the litigious among you this is complete fiction – under no circumstances use a Nail Gun to dry your nails! If robbing a hair salon DO […]
midtone (n.) a terrible rapid but droning voice popular with geeks and some DJs and TV presenters. Inspired by the DJ Chris Moyles saying another DJ spoke “like the middle part of a horse race”.
hobos (n.) Greek for “pimp”.
gasoflage (n.): Going to a wildlife park or zoo with the specific intention of hiding the vile sounds and smells being emitted from your own arse. See also [p2p type=”slug” value=”trumpterfuge”]
Fegan (n.) Short for “fake vegan” – this is someone who declares themselves to be Vegan but walks around with their pockets stuffed with raw beef and chicken heads which they nibble when nobody is looking.
hyperelongationism (n.) The act of or a tendency towards hyperelongationising; adding pointless extensions to the end of a word in the hope of appearing smarterer. Particularly prevalent in legal circles which backs up my theory… directionality => direction (CSI New York) usurpation => usurping (from the US Declaration of Independence) importation => import or importing burglarized […]
horizontalitis (n.) The phenomenon where your bookshelves are full so you start stacking them on that tempting ledge in front of the vertical on
Claryitis (n.) Named in honour of the British comedian Julian Clary. A common condition whereby a simple double entendre sends the sufferer into frenzy of seeing double meanings where there simply aren’t any. For instance a colleague recently pulled out (ooerr) of a works outing at the last minute and declared “my slot is free if […]
A “spam apology”. This refers to the insincere canned emails you receive from the complaint pages of many websites. The worst offenders (you know who you are!) are sites which prefer never to deal with real humans and don’t have any phone numbers as a result. You go to complain and get sent to an […]
Bidecaditis (n.) The phenomenon where, every twenty years, the music has become incomprehensibly vile, the behaviour of young people has deteriorated to an all time low and booze is five times the price it was when you were able to drink more than five pints without needing a lie down
Arlseburg (n.) The dregs of a glass of lager with a cigarette butt floating in it
Antichris (n.) I have a buddy called Chris Hannam – he’s a safety consultant in the entertainment industry his website is here Stagesafe. The Antichris is his twin brother who is a stuntman…
lactodaisical (adj): A sudden feeling that you are quite capable of breast feeding – even though your a bloke..
A special magnifying device used to enhance the male ego when using the toilet.
Bailey’s floating on lager – usually garnished with a fresh cigarrette butt.
Scrabby Buttock is a formerly thriving Somerset mining town, near a sewage treatment plant and nestled between two large chalk outcrops covered in fir trees. The town shut down after the sewage works extension leaked into the mine filling it with several million gallons of untreated human effluvium.
A well known Scotts pragmatist.
Round Robin – an item of spam updating you on the minutiae of other peoples lives you’d rather not know. Here’s mine from last Christmas… It’s been a marvellous year. Following the publication of my third novel “Jerry Gerbil’s Adventures in Combat Accountancy” (sequel to “Jerry Gerbil’s ‘I Myself’ – Misadventures with Reflexive Pronouns”) we […]
You need to click the image for a good look – best I could do with my cameraphone…
4 inches claiming to be 6 inches – see shaving mirror.
An increasingly rare speech impediment leading to a complete ignorance of how a word is spelt or pronounced by the vast majority of the population. This results in bizarre pronunciations missing out entire sections of a word and often in saying different words in exactly the same way. Examples: The words “really” and “rarely” are […]
gentrification (n): The canal still has bodies floating by from time to time; but they’re wearing really nice suits.
A feeling of unfulfilled promise you only get while profoundly drunk.
These invisible hazards are the cause of those mysterious groin aches you get after a bout of ill advised, heavy drinking.