Verukalate [VEH-roo-KAH-late] (v.)
1. To act like Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory. 2. To be a snobby little brat
Scrump (v.) (archaic) Stealing apples from an orchard. New definition: A scratch on a car bumper. Scrumps often cause disproportionate road rage in people who don’t understand how cities work…
Drightseeing (v.) drag race sightseeing – the act of viewing spectacular and culturally rich spectacles as if it were a race.
An act of public affection interrupted two thirds of the way through when one participant is bitten on the bottom by a small woodland animal.
A unit of measure: 0.66 recurring cubic meters of any substance used by builders.
Billed to the client as a full cubic metre but undersized and generously garnished with:
- cigarette ends
- sweet papers
- used condoms
Break out the kevlar!
Nature and evolution at their best. Rumours of the extermination campaign for eradicating TB have triggered a response. Armed with a variety of confiscated weaponry but much preferring a sawn off shotgun. As you can see from the image it has reached such epidemic proportions the authorities have been forced to erect warning signs. Pest control is difficult as the badgers often camouflage themselves as other woodland creatures such as zebra.
Historical evidence suggests this may have happened before in mainland Europe with 14th century French texts containing the phrase “Regardez vous le blaireau avec un trebuchet”.
Used to describe any gadget guaranteed to divide opinion into three distinct camps…
Camp 1: It is unmitigated genius the likes of which have never before been seen upon the face of the Earth and for which we should give daily thanks as its mere appearance is like the tears of an angel being cried into your eyeballs. A Spanky Pagoda will be required to avoid arrest when you reach the front of the queue outside the shop – it will also provide shelter during the 3 days you’ve been queueing.
Camp 2: It’s a very good product which certainly moves the game on substantially and might be getting very good indeed by the second or third version. That said it is marred by a few glaring omissions some of which appear odd and leave you with the impression the underlying decision was based on emotion and bloody mindedness and not logic, commercial interest or common sense.
Camp 3: It’s an overblown, over-designed, hyped up piece of crap bought without fail by simpering feeble minded sycophants who can’t stop talking about the bloody thing to the point where people will cross the street to prevent a homicidal rage attack like the one that happened last time…
beer( target string, your_xp(NOVICE, VETERAN, GURU), helper_xp(NOVICE, VETERAN,GURU) ) return result string;
- string – the code you cocked up.
- your_xp – your experience level.
- helper_xp – experience level of the guy who found the mistake.
This function calculates the number of beers you owe the person who found your mistake.
NB The algorithm is a trade secret but don’t assume a “schoolboy error” will return a low number if your_xp is GURU…
rap( target string, count number, substitution boolean ) return result string;
- string1 – the string to be modified.
- count – the number of adulterations to be applied (default 5, recommend < 10)
- substitution – a boolean flag which controls whether the algorithm can add, remove or change words to improve the rhyming of the result.
This handy string function is ideal for the musically inclined – simply pass in any string of your choosing and this function will add the requested number of swear words, misogynist references to “hoes” and phrases about “busting caps” in other peoples bottoms.
Example:
rap(“I saw a cow eat grass while walking to my Granny’s house.”, 4, TRUE);
Saw a cow smokin’ grass, monochrome bootie hangin’ low, titties out what a ho, while I strode in the road to Gramma’s crib.”
A text file containing the verbal fumbling, tongue trips and gaffes of friends and colleagues for example:
- Dilated pupils are a completely subconscious sign of sexual attraction – that’s why restaurants are lit by dark candles.
- They get a big leather book and chalk it in with a quill pen.
- We went into an antique shop looking for a baby grand rocking clock. (An amazingly messed up attempt to say “grandmother clock”)
A hidden device which causes drunken people or people trying to learn to ride a bike after the age of 30 (sorry Babe) to fall into hedges at random.
That mysterious dirt you find stuck to the inside of your glasses even though you haven’t touched them.
A phrase used to describe an incident where someone has become very, very upset or frustrated and thrown their toys from the pram at lethal speed. A good friend of mine manufactured a clear plastic enclosure attached to a pillar near his desk – inside was a miniature teddy bear. Clearly marked on the fron were these words:
IN CASE OF EMERGENCY – REMOVE CONTENTS AND THROW!
For rules of play and other versions click Bullshit Bingo: The Rules.
- I don’t think people are interested in…<thing people are very interested>
- I think people are tired of… <something the politician is tired of>
- We need to draw a line under this <because it makes me look bad>.
- Taking the tough decisions. Ignoring the electorate and doing things they don’t like.
- We’re consulting with those affected at every stage <but we’re going to screw them anyway>.
- There’s much left to do. Please vote for us, pretty please.
- Wait for the results of the review/enquiry. We’re postponing it and hoping you’ll forge about it.
- We’re listening. LALALALALALA! I’VE GOT MY FINGERS IN MY EARS!
- I can’t discuss individual cases… We really f****d that one up!
- I don’t accept that… Yes you’re absolutely right!
- Hard working families. Old Labour Voters.
- Doing things that make a real difference to ordinary people. Bribing the voters just prior to an election.
- Boom and bust. The economic cycle.
- Raft of Measures. A tower of ill thought out legislation which undermines personal freedom or fails to achieve its objective.
- Work is already underway. Crap I wish we’d thought of that!
- You make a co-payment and we contribute towards it. We give some of your tax back to you and you pay the rest out of taxed income.
- The electorate are sending us a message. We just got butt f*****d in a by-election.
- London is the greatest city in the world… It’s crime ridden shit hole with poor quality of life a high cost of living and over priced housing but we have to give Trump a good run for banging on about New York.
- You may think that but I couldn’t possibly comment. Yes.
- Proportionate, open and transparent. Er… bollocks!
trumpterfuge (n.): Going to a wildlife park or zoo with the specific intention of hiding the vile smells being produced by your own arse.
See also Gasoflage
Check out the bullet holes...
This begs the question: Is there such a thing as “Gradual Gunfire”?
A severe addiction to 24 resulting in the use of the following phrases in casual conversation by the vending machines:
- “That’s a mistake – never select decaf.”
- “You have to let me do it my way – otherwise the sliding door thing get’s stuck.”
- “I don’t care! I like the taste of dishwater.”
- “Tell me the location of the sweetener or I will kill you!”
- “We don’t have much time – they don’t have a tea break here.”
- “We have a situation – spilled coffee call the CDC … er Helpdesk.”
- “We don’t have 10 minutes – we have 30.”
- “Do you have a visual on the sandwich van.”
- “There’s no time – like the present.”
- “You have to trust me – the powdered fruit juice tastes like p*ss.”
- “Yes mister President – I don’t smoke, but hey, free cigar.”
- “I’m sorry but we didn’t have a choice – only black decaf coffee left.”
- “We did what was necessary – and wobbled the machine until the crisps fell out.”
- “Your making a terrible mistake – don’t touch the freakin’ decaf – how many times!.”
- “I’ll giver you covering fire…. go, go! Sorry, not sure what happened there.”
- “Let’s move – quietly back to our desks.”
switchatarian (n): a vegetarian who occasionally compromises and eats meat.
Percentitis (n.) describing things using percentages all the time:
- “That Bovril Punch was 73.9 percent less enjoyable than I was expecting it to be…”
- “That movie was 2.3% less disappointing than I expected it to be…”
A noun which the has been turned into a verb: e.g. party, favourite or more recently medal…
nail gun (n.)
- a) A kind of hair drier device used by builders to dry their nail varnish.
- b) A weapon used to hold up beauty salons.
WARNING: To the litigious among you this is complete fiction – under no circumstances use a Nail Gun to dry your nails! If robbing a hair salon DO NOT under any circumstances fire your Nail Gun or you’ll ignite all the hair spray and kill everyone.
midtone (n.) a terrible rapid but droning voice popular with geeks and some DJs and TV presenters. Inspired by the DJ Chris Moyles saying another DJ spoke “like the middle part of a horse race”.
hobos (n.) Greek for “pimp”.
gasoflage (n.): Going to a wildlife park or zoo with the specific intention of hiding the vile sounds and smells being emitted from your own arse.
See also Trumpterfuge
Fegan (n.) Short for “fake vegan” – this is someone who declares themselves to be Vegan but walks around with their pockets stuffed with raw beef and chicken heads which they nibble when nobody is looking.
