Poshspeak (n.)

An increasingly rare speech impediment leading to a complete ignorance of how a word is spelt or pronounced by the vast majority of the population.   This results in bizarre pronunciations missing out entire sections of a word and often in saying different words in exactly the same way.

Examples:

  • The words “really” and “rarely” are both pronounced “rehly”.
  • The word “coward” is pronounced as “card”.
  • ffeatherstonhaugh is pronounced fanshaw.

Victims are often to be found sitting in large leather armchairs by the fireplaces in gentlemans’ clubs. Secondary symptoms include a large red nose and an addiction to cigars.


gentrification

gentrification (n): The canal still has bodies floating by from time to time; but they’re wearing really nice suits.


pistential (adj.)

A feeling of unfulfilled promise you only get while profoundly drunk.


Phantom Bollard

These invisible hazards are the cause of those mysterious groin aches you get after a bout of ill advised, heavy drinking.


Methodology

A prime example of [p2p type="slug" value="hyperelongationism"] because it is frequently used where the word method would suffice but methodology sounds more impressive.


Paralysis by Analysis

This is a phenomenon in IT design where the coding phase of the project never starts because the analysis or design is never finished. Can be caused by several factors: [p2p type="slug" value="TFC"] [p2p type="slug" value="YHCA"] [p2p type="slug" value="ANNY"]


Magnetic Trousers

An item of clothing, worn mostly by women, which causes men to constantly stare at the wearer’s bottom.


Lannygrass (n.)

Is the strip of grass you find growing down the middle of a track where 4x4s drive.


Kermodian (adj.)

Speaking rapidly, without pausing, or breathing and with a tone of unquestionable authority using a minimum of four obscure film references to illustrate points where others use mere words, but always returning in a [p2p type="slug" value="corbettian"] fashion to the main topic. Can occasionally give the impression that your iPod has gone into fast forward […]


Not the longest aardvark in the anthill…

This has a dual meaning: 1) Not very intelligent – in particular lacking common sense. 2) Implying a lack of length in the masculine appendage.


Gruntle

Gruntle (adj) disgruntled – Unhappy; dissatisfied; frustrated. gruntled – Happy; satisfied; calm. degruntled – moved from gruntled to disgruntled of your own accord. engruntled – moved from disgruntled to gruntled – esp. by someone else. gruntlized – forced into an unwilling state of gruntlement. gruntlefied – the result of being gruntlized. gruntlation – don’t be […]


RSA

Repetitive Strain Arse: Aching or spasming of the gluteus maximus caused by fatigue. Causes of the fatigue may vary including sitting too much, standing too much and sleeping. However, the vast majority of cases are caused by people having to hold their buttocks apart while talking. Worst affected are politicians, estate agents and ex-Big Brother contestants (with […]


NFS

In computing: Networked File System. Also: Normal For Somerset: A dismissive term used for bizarre and drunken behaviour


JFDI

Just F*****g Do It – an under used programming [p2p type="slug" value="methodology"] which can cure [p2p type="slug" value="paralysis-by-analysis"].


Bullshit Bingo: Managers

For rules of play and other versions click [p2p type="slug" value="bullshit-bingo-rules"]. We’re making excellent progress.  We’re 80% done in 20% of the time. The project shows as a red light on the MIS. The remaining 20% is taking 80% of the time. It has to be done by <random date>.  It’s not a real deadline but […]


Hinkley Point (n.)

A groin injury caused as a result of failing to land a jump properly when using a Mountain bike or BMX.  Can also be caused by stopping quickly on a bicycle when you’ve just washed the saddle.


Hamsterised (adj.)

The condition of any purse or wallet when more than one year old – bulging with ancient receipts, scrappy notes, unwanted business cards, expired debt cards and perished condoms. PS I really did mean debt not debit…


Donkeymail (n. or vb.(tr))

noun: A specialised sub-genre of blackmail where the blackmailer obtains or fakes pictures of the victim in compromising position with a donkey, pony or sheep. alt: a slightly slower, yet much more reliable form of message based communication.


Bullshit Bingo: Old People

For rules of play and other versions click [p2p type="slug" value="bullshit-bingo-rules"]. You will notice there are fewer to choose from than the other versions making this the hardest version… I got you two for wash ‘n’ wear…  I’ve bought you two hideous bath mats. Are you all alright?  I want to talk about medical procedures and […]


Bullshit Bingo: The Rules

A simple game where you pick six items from the appropriate list then write them down, print them out.  This forms your bullshit bingo card…  During a TV or radio interview with a politician, a meeting or “core brief” at work or while talking to an elderly friend or relative tick the phrases off when […]


Drunkenness (vb.(tr))

There are five distinct kinds of drunk (click to see definitions): [p2p type="slug" value="sleepy-drunks"] [p2p type="slug" value="punchy-drunks"] [p2p type="slug" value="giggly-drunks"] [p2p type="slug" value="cuddly-drunks"] [p2p type="slug" value="grumpy-drunks"] And before anyone else points it out I know there’s a Snow White gag here somewhere… it’ll come to me.


Corbettian (adj.)

A tendency to tell a story with frequent, lengthy, self-imposed digressions, but always returning unerringly to the original topic.


Thai Food

GAI GOR DON – a deep fried Mars bar accompanied by bagpipes and dancing. KAO PAD GUM – a delicious deep fried cow pat garnished with well chewed bubblegum (which should still be warm and moist). PED RON – Thai version of a Mexcican dish from the East end of London. LAB GAI YANG – […]


FDS

FDS – Fact Deletion Syndrome – The uncanny ability of a newspaper to delete all relevant information from a news story


Bumulet (n.)

An elaborate protective pendant for your bottom.