WikiFictionary

lactodaisical (adj): A sudden feeling that you are quite capable of breast feeding – even though your a bloke..

A special magnifying device used to enhance the male ego when using the toilet.

Bailey’s floating on lager – usually garnished with a fresh cigarrette butt.

Scrabby Buttock is a formerly thriving Somerset mining town, near a sewage treatment plant and nestled between two large chalk outcrops covered in fir trees.  The town shut down after the sewage works extension leaked into the mine filling it with several million gallons of untreated human effluvium.

A well known Scotts pragmatist.

Round Robin – an item of spam updating you on the minutiae of other peoples lives you’d rather not know.

Here’s mine from last Christmas…

It’s been a marvellous year. Following the publication of my third novel “Jerry Gerbil’s Adventures in Combat Accountancy” (sequel to “Jerry Gerbil’s ‘I Myself’ – Misadventures with Reflexive Pronouns”) we received a substantial advance on a four book deal and sold the film rights for my first book “Stretch Limo – Sean the Chauffeur’s Guide to Advanced Stain Removal”.

This has allowed us to go ahead with Sue’s titanium leg replacements – she’s gone for the option of a Swiss Army Knife in the left leg and a 4 litre hip flask (technically more like a thigh flask as there’s more room there) with built in IV. We are leaving the “Cyberboobs” until next year – I’m pushing for GPS in the left one and a 12v jump starter in the right one but I think Sue has designs on an outboard motor.

We’ve sold the Ferrari because the ashtrays are full and changed the marble in the Sunseeker – wrong shade of pink.

All cats are healthy. Cappy’s hang gliding career was cut short after the accident (glider was only rated for 400 kilos) but he’s jet-skiing instead now. Inky has taken up oil painting and Bungy has perfected his novelty physics act with the Van der Graaf generator. Pip is in semi-retirement.

You need to click the image for a good look – best I could do with my cameraphone…

Doing your bit for the environment.

4 inches claiming to be 6 inches – see shaving mirror.

An increasingly rare speech impediment leading to a complete ignorance of how a word is spelt or pronounced by the vast majority of the population.   This results in bizarre pronunciations missing out entire sections of a word and often in saying different words in exactly the same way.

Examples:

• The words “really” and “rarely” are both pronounced “rehly”.
• The word “coward” is pronounced as “card”.
• ffeatherstonhaugh is pronounced fanshaw.

Victims are often to be found sitting in large leather armchairs by the fireplaces in gentlemans’ clubs. Secondary symptoms include a large red nose and an addiction to cigars.

gentrification (n): The canal still has bodies floating by from time to time; but they’re wearing really nice suits.

A feeling of unfulfilled promise you only get while profoundly drunk.

These invisible hazards are the cause of those mysterious groin aches you get after a bout of ill advised, heavy drinking.

A prime example of hyperelongationism because it is frequently used where the word method would suffice but methodology sounds more impressive.

This is a phenomenon in IT design where the coding phase of the project never starts because the analysis or design is never finished.

Can be caused by several factors:

• TFC
• YHCA
• ANNY

An item of clothing, worn mostly by women, which causes men to constantly stare at the wearer’s bottom.

Is the strip of grass you find growing down the middle of a track where 4x4s drive.

Speaking rapidly, without pausing, or breathing and with a tone of unquestionable authority using a minimum of four obscure film references to illustrate points where others use mere words, but always returning in a Corbettian (adj.) fashion to the main topic. Can occasionally give the impression that your iPod has gone into fast forward of its own accord. Almost exclusively used in the phrase “Kermodian style rant“.

This has a dual meaning:

• 1) Not very intelligent – in particular lacking common sense.
• 2) Implying a lack of length in the masculine appendage.

Gruntle (adj)

• disgruntled – Unhappy; dissatisfied; frustrated.
• gruntled – Happy; satisfied; calm.
• degruntled – moved from gruntled to disgruntled of your own accord.
• engruntled – moved from disgruntled to gruntled – esp. by someone else.
• gruntlized – forced into an unwilling state of gruntlement.
• gruntlefied – the result of being gruntlized.
• gruntlation – don’t be stupid, that’s just a made up word.

Repetitive Strain Arse: Aching or spasming of the gluteus maximus caused by fatigue.

Causes of the fatigue may vary including sitting too much, standing too much and sleeping.

However, the vast majority of cases are caused by people having to hold their buttocks apart while talking.

Worst affected are politicians, estate agents and ex-Big Brother contestants (with a few notable exceptions).

In computing: Networked File System.

Also: Normal For Somerset: A dismissive term used for bizarre and drunken behaviour

Just F*****g Do It – an under used programming Methodology which can cure Paralysis by Analysis.

For rules of play and other versions click Bullshit Bingo: The Rules.

1. We’re making excellent progress.  We’re 80% done in 20% of the time.
2. The project shows as a red light on the MIS. The remaining 20% is taking 80% of the time.
3. It has to be done by <random date>.  It’s not a real deadline but we told the board the date. Don’t bother to get it right, get it done on time.
4. Thank you all for your efforts at the weekend.  I was playing golf you mugs.
5. We’re under resourced.  Project scope has expanded and completely changed.
6. Let’s drill-down a bit on that…  I’m a pretentious twat.
7. We need to touch base…  I’m still a pretentious twat.
8. We’re downsizing… You’re fired.
9. You’re a team player.  We need to tic-tac next week regarding vertical integration possibilities. This is great fun – everyone thinks I’m cool because of the way I talk!
10. We’re on an efficiency drive…We’ve locked the stationary cupboard.
11. We’re rationalising… You’re fired.
12. I need a SWOT report vis-à-vis the procurement cycle to ensure we’re sweating the assets. I have no f***ing clue what I’m talking about – BUT neither do they!
13. We need to cut overheads… You’re fired.
14. We need to leverage our resources to facilitate progress going forward.  It’s amazing no one has punched me in the face.
15. Can you give me a heads-up?  I need an excuse to fire you.
16. We need to make savings… You’re fired.
17. The Directors have said there’s going to be a paradigm shift. We’re all going to be fired.
18. We need to watch our bottom line… You’re fired.
19. I don’t have much bandwidth to connect ear-to-ear this week regarding the deliverables or to facilitate leveraging a home run.  I’m losing my mind.
20. There’s been a management restructure.  I’ve been fired.

A groin injury caused as a result of failing to land a jump properly when using a Mountain bike or BMX.  Can also be caused by stopping quickly on a bicycle when you’ve just washed the saddle.

Here's one we prepared earlier!

The condition of any purse or wallet when more than one year old – bulging with ancient receipts, scrappy notes, unwanted business cards, expired debt cards and perished condoms.

PS I really did mean debt not debit…