Izzy Kamezego

A short lived chat show host who presented the pilot for the show [p2p type="slug" value="im-a-celibate-get-me-out-of-here"] and was last seen smoking a Camberwell carrot with a man dressed as Father Christmas in biker leathers.


Italy

A magical land of wonder and arse pinching…


Spanky Pagoda

Spanky Pagoda noun: A portable tent which allows the wearer to spank the monkey in private without being arrested for indecent exposure.


Twoderful

wonderful => twoderful


Hugs

WARNING: Those expecting only flippancy and fun – read no furtherther. I am quite drunk while writing this – hence the spelling mistake on the previous line… In my opinion accepted hugs are where it’s at… Any decent book on body language will tell you we all have spacial zones based on our vulnerability and, […]


Homefully

adverb. Wishing to be home so badly that you say “home” alot then accidentally say “homefully” instead of “hopefully”.


Germany

Tricky one this, a minefield of sensitive stereotypes and historical baggage. Oh shit – I said minefield…


French Cuisine

Don’t be daft the French can’t cook – they don’t even know how a deep frier works. Except for: [p2p type="slug" value="duck-a-lorange"] – not to be confused with the British dish [p2p type="slug" value="duck-a-la-range"].


Frederic Edgar Clunge

Even though the taming and training of goldfish is a very rare skill it really doesn’t pay well. It’s also quite tricky convincing customers that the fish swam through the castle because you signalled it to do so with a series of coded blinks through the side of the tank. He married Mary Myrtle Martle […]


French

I was going to get this page written by a genuine French person… but she went on strike and blocked my drive with her car.


Fiona Farbetwain

Fiona Farbetwain was a Post Mistress in the Outer Hebrides. She came to fame after the sinking of the boat normally used to deliver the post by coming up with the novel solution of wading from one island to the next on stilts.


FDS

Fact Deletion Syndrome – The uncanny ability of a newspaper to delete all relevant information from a news story.


England

The only country in the world where the bowler hat is still considered fashionable, the Carry On films hip and cool and calling women “love” or “darling” still socially acceptable.


Duck a l’Orange

A classic French dish where a duck is distracted from it’s weight training regime to be killed, incinerated and drowned in a sickly sweet orange treacle. Not to be confused with the classic British dish [p2p type="slug" value="duck-a-la-range"].


Alaska

The really cold one above and a bit the the left of Canada where everyone is constantly drunk on tequila from a bottle with some blokes toe in it.


Canada

The one above the USA.  This is, in fact, where all the Americans are born.  First they learn the basics by practising not saying please or thank you. Next they they learn to shoot things, execute people and drive pickup trucks.  A quick course in “How to Increase Your Carbon Footprint” and “How not to […]


Mexico

Mexico is the the cute warm little country below the USA.  It has really cool bullet ridden mud houses.  The main import for Mexico is fugitives and main exports are domestic staff and donkeys.


America (USA)

The bit above Mexico but below Canada.  The main difference between Canada and the USA is that more male citizens of the USA have had sex with an animal than have a passport.


I’m a Celibate – Get Me Out of Here!

The idea was an extremely promising one with all the usual winning ingredients: Z-list celebrities, a predictable format and a telephone vote. Each week famous celibate celebs would be taken to some temptingly erotic location and titillated until they gave in – last one standing (or unencumbered by furry handcuffs) was the winner. However, the […]


Diggle Tunny

Nestled in the Mendip hills near the river Piddling it has a chocolate box look with no roads signs and very few street lights.


Punchy Drunks

These fall broadly into three sub-categories: Comedy – lurch about swinging wildly and can’t hit a thing and can amuse you for hours but if you’re a good friend make sure they don’t hurt themselves. Professional – can hit really hard and are what Tasers were invented for.  aka “twats” or “psycopaths”. Literal – they […]


Kanelpyu (n.)

A terrible condition which afflicts anyone whose job involves repeating a breezy greeting or repetitive and insincere offer of assistance to people they really don’t care about.  This results in the creation of a whole host of new fictionary words like: Jawonanysawses? Jalykadrink? Pastrywivat? Enthintweet? Pliskallmibakon (incomprehensible phone number). Wojjalyke? Kannagajennything? Crispynutsothersnaks? Galarge? And the […]


Grumpy Drunks

Ok, you’ve got me, I put this in because of the 7 dwarves thing and can’t think of a gag… Grumpy drunks… they’re grumpy, don’t invite them to parties…


shaté (n.)

The end result of eating paté which has passed it’s sell by date.


Giggly Drunks

Prone to laughing at absolutely nothing until their eyes look just as red as [p2p type="slug" value="blubby-drunks"].