Punchy Drunks

These fall broadly into three sub-categories:

  • Comedy – lurch about swinging wildly and can’t hit a thing and can amuse you for hours but if you’re a good friend make sure they don’t hurt themselves.
  • Professional – can hit really hard and are what Tasers were invented for.  aka “twats” or “psycopaths”.
  • Literal – they are called “punchy drunks” because they drink all the damn punch… you might want to Scotchgard your carpet.

Kanelpyu (n.)

A terrible condition which afflicts anyone whose job involves repeating a breezy greeting or repetitive and insincere offer of assistance to people they really don’t care about.  This results in the creation of a whole host of new fictionary words like: Jawonanysawses? Jalykadrink? Pastrywivat? Enthintweet? Pliskallmibakon (incomprehensible phone number). Wojjalyke? Kannagajennything? Crispynutsothersnaks? Galarge? And the […]

Grumpy Drunks

Ok, you’ve got me, I put this in because of the 7 dwarves thing and can’t think of a gag… Grumpy drunks… they’re grumpy, don’t invite them to parties…

shaté (n.)

The end result of eating paté which has passed it’s sell by date.

Giggly Drunks

Prone to laughing at absolutely nothing until their eyes look just as red as [p2p type=”slug” value=”blubby-drunks”].

Sleepy Drunks

Very cute when they fall asleep, mildly annoying when they snore, yucky when they dribble in your crotch.

Cuddly Drunks

Depending on your mood and their attractiveness they can be great fun or a total liability. If attractiveness is the deciding factor – have more punch! If your mood is the deciding facor and you are any of the other [p2p type=”slug” value=”drunkenness”] types – apart from [p2p type=”slug” value=”punchy-drunks”] – drink more punch! Highly […]

Cucumber Trumpeting

The act of Cucumber Trumpeting involves hollowing out the fruit and, by adding the appropriate holes, playing it like a trumpet.  Honestly this sounds more like a flute or penny whistle to me, but I just have to go with the reasearch and trumpeting appears, at present, to be the popular term for this activity. […]

Blubby Drunks

Blubby Drunks careen around your party all evening crying and talking in that strange way where all the words run together until abruptly swinging into one of the other drunk types when they aren’t getting enough attention. Don’t let them near the punch – unless it’s our very own [p2p type=”slug” value=”bovril-punch”] – because they’ll […]


Analyst Needs New Yacht – someone is padding the task with impressive presentations and protestations of complexity – do some more weeding.

bialance (n.)

bialance (n) :  A combination of bias and balance.  A media technique which appears to add objectivity to an item but actually allows the creator to twist the result to their preferred outcome. Technique 1: Ask a person you disagree with to come onto the program to “express their viewpoint” or “set the record straight” […]


If you can give someone a false sense of security – can you give them a genuine sense of insecurity?

Wimborne (n.)

Wimborne (a.k.a Wimborne Pants): Originating near the Dorset/Somerset border this is a completely non-contact, defensive art practiced principally in public houses. Scenario: Having accidentally jostled a fellow customer you are confronted with a very irate “Oy mate! Did you spill my pint?“ Escape Phase 1: You turn 10 degrees towards the assailant, widen your eyes, opens […]

Love Eggs

Well you have to don’t you – they’re just so damned versatile… scrambled, boiled, omeletted.


An Orangutang is an strongly flavoured orange sweet which has been in your pocket without the wrapper for a minimum of one month (the duration of a UK Summer) picking up all the fluff. This results in a fluffy orange object which can still be absurdly appealing after a night of heavy drinking.

Dog Gin & Tonic

Dog Gin & Tonic That’s a finger bowl because of the starter you ordered you idiot…

Bovril Punch

5 litres of boiling water 1 Jar of Bovril 1 litre of cheap Vodka PS If anyone out there is insane enough to actually make this thing, can you let me know if it’s any good?


A wine punch popular in Spain and Portugal. When made for local people it contains: red wine, chopped or sliced fruit (often orange, apple, and/or peach; occasionally kiwi or banana), a sweetener such as honey or orange juice, a small amount of added brandy, triple sec, or other spirits. carbonated water When made for irritating […]

boozeburn (n.)

That unmistakable all year round ruddiness of the raging alcoholic.

The Pencil Test

This is a simple test to find out if the company you’re working for is in grave difficulties. Order a pencil (or the smallest number of pencils you are allowed to order). If they tell you to go to the stationary cupboard and it’s unlocked everything is fine. If they tell you to go to […]

thirdwit (n.)

The perfect term for those moments when you meet someone so idiotic that halfwit just won’t do and quarterwit seems too harsh…

Far Corfe

Far Corfe is a mythical village in Dorset and location of the the most idyllic pub in England – “”The Frog & Quantity Surveyor’s Arms & Head”.  Similar to Brigadoon except it’s there all the time but, in the same way as the rainbow’s end, it’s impossible to get to.  I know, because I’ve tried… […]

Spanky Pagoda

Spanky Pagoda (n.) a portable tent which allows the wearer to spank the monkey in private.

Vicious Squirrel

The Vicious Squirrel frequents the Chells neighborhood of Stevenage (Herts.), England. It destroys laundry left on the line to dry, often vomits, and eats small children weighing up to 13.5 kg.

Coy Carp

A very shy and non-commital ornamental fish usually found hiding under lily pads…