Rap Function

rap( target string, count number, substitution boolean ) return result string;

  • string1 – the string to be modified.
  • count – the number of adulterations to be applied (default 5, recommend < 10)
  • substitution – a boolean flag which controls whether the algorithm can add, remove or change words to improve the rhyming of the result.

This handy string function is ideal for the musically inclined – simply pass in any string of your choosing and this function will add the requested number of swear words, misogynist references to “hoes” and phrases about “busting caps” in other peoples bottoms.

Example:

rap(“I saw a cow eat grass while walking to my Granny’s house.”, 4, TRUE);

Saw a cow smokin’ grass, monochrome bootie hangin’ low, titties out what a ho, while I strode in the road to Gramma’s crib.”


Stupid File

A text file containing the verbal fumbling, tongue trips and gaffes of friends and colleagues for example: Dilated pupils are a completely subconscious sign of sexual attraction – that’s why restaurants are lit by dark candles. They get a big leather book and chalk it in with a quill pen. We went into an antique shop looking […]


Hedge Magnet

A hidden device which causes drunken people or people trying to learn to ride a bike after the age of 30 (sorry Babe) to fall into hedges at random.


Eye Snot

That mysterious dirt you find stuck to the inside of your glasses even though you haven’t touched them.


Ballistic Teddy

A phrase used to describe an incident where someone has become very, very upset or frustrated and thrown their toys from the pram at lethal speed.  A good friend of mine manufactured a clear plastic enclosure attached to a pillar near his desk – inside was a miniature teddy bear.  Clearly marked on the fron […]


Online Auction Site

A place where the word “genuine” frequently appears inside double quotes… A place where people complain an item hasn’t arrived but go all quiet when you send them their digital signature from the carrier’s website… A place where people strangely think charging postage and packing is an outrage… A place where people SHOUT ABOUT EVERYTHING […]


Bullshit Bingo: Politicians

For rules of play and other versions click [p2p type="slug" value="bullshit-bingo-rules"]. I don’t think people are interested in…<thing people are very interested> I think people are tired of… <something the politician is tired of> We need to draw a line under this <because it makes me look bad>. Taking the tough decisions.  Ignoring the electorate […]


Trumpterfuge

trumpterfuge (n.): Going to a wildlife park or zoo with the specific intention of hiding the vile smells being produced by your own arse. See also [p2p type="slug" value="gasoflage"]


Gradual Gunfire

This begs the question: Is there such a thing as “Gradual Gunfire”?


Bideccaquadritis (n.)

A severe addiction to 24 resulting in the use of the following phrases in casual conversation by the vending machines: “That’s a mistake – never select decaf.” “You have to let me do it my way – otherwise the sliding door thing get’s stuck.” “I don’t care! I like the taste of dishwater.” “Tell me […]


Switchatarian

switchatarian (n): a vegetarian who occasionally compromises and eats meat. Switchatarian.com


Percentitis

Percentitis (n.) describing things using percentages all the time: “That [p2p type="slug" value="bovril-punch"] was 73.9 percent less enjoyable than I was expecting it to be…” “That movie was 2.3% less disappointing than I expected it to be…”


Nerb (n.)

A noun which the has been turned into a verb: e.g. party, favourite or more recently medal…


Nail Gun

nail gun (n.) a) A kind of hair drier device used by builders to dry their nail varnish. b) A weapon used to hold up beauty salons. WARNING: To the litigious among you this is complete fiction – under no circumstances use a Nail Gun to dry your nails! If robbing a hair salon DO […]


Midtone

midtone (n.) a terrible rapid but droning voice popular with geeks and some DJs and TV presenters. Inspired by the DJ Chris Moyles saying another DJ spoke “like the middle part of a horse race”.


Hobos

hobos (n.) Greek for “pimp”.


Gasoflage

gasoflage (n.): Going to a wildlife park or zoo with the specific intention of hiding the vile sounds and smells being emitted from your own arse. See also [p2p type="slug" value="trumpterfuge"]


Fegan

Fegan (n.) Short for “fake vegan” – this is someone who declares themselves to be Vegan but walks around with their pockets stuffed with raw beef and chicken heads which they nibble when nobody is looking.


hyperelongationism

hyperelongationism (n.) The act of or a tendency towards hyperelongationising; adding pointless extensions to the end of a word in the hope of appearing smarterer. Particularly prevalent in legal circles which backs up my theory… directionality => direction (CSI New York) usurpation => usurping (from the US Declaration of Independence) importation => import or importing burglarized […]


horizontalitis

horizontalitis (n.) The phenomenon where your bookshelves are full so you start stacking them on that tempting ledge in front of the vertical on


Claryitis

Claryitis (n.) Named in honour of the British comedian Julian Clary. A common condition whereby a simple double entendre sends the sufferer into frenzy of seeing double meanings where there simply aren’t any. For instance a colleague recently pulled out (ooerr) of a works outing at the last minute and declared “my slot is free if […]


Spapology (n.)

A “spam apology”.  This refers to the insincere canned emails you receive from the complaint pages of many websites.  The worst offenders (you know who you are!) are sites which prefer never to deal with real humans and don’t have any phone numbers as a result.  You go to complain and get sent to an […]


Bidecaditis

Bidecaditis (n.) The phenomenon where, every twenty years, the music has become incomprehensibly vile, the behaviour of young people has deteriorated to an all time low and booze is five times the price it was when you were able to drink more than five pints without needing a lie down


Arlseburg

Arlseburg (n.) The dregs of a glass of lager with a cigarette butt floating in it


Antichris (n.)

Antichris (n.) I have a buddy called Chris Hannam – he’s a safety consultant in the entertainment industry his website is here Stagesafe. The Antichris is his twin brother who is a stuntman…