Public Funt

An act of public affection interrupted two thirds of the way through when one participant is bitten on the bottom by a small woodland animal.

Scubic Funt

A unit of measure: 0.66 recurring cubic meters of any substance used by builders. Billed to the client as a full cubic metre but undersized and generously garnished with: cigarette ends sweet papers used condoms

Somerset Gun Badger

Nature and evolution at their best. Rumours of the extermination campaign for eradicating TB have triggered a response. Armed with a variety of confiscated weaponry but much preferring a sawn off shotgun. As you can see from the image it has reached such epidemic proportions the authorities have been forced to erect warning signs. Pest […]

appley (adj.)

Used to describe any gadget guaranteed to divide opinion into three distinct camps… Camp 1: It is unmitigated genius the likes of which have never before been seen upon the face of the Earth and for which we should give daily thanks as its mere appearance is like the tears of an angel being cried […]

Beer function

beer( target string, your_xp(NOVICE, VETERAN, GURU), helper_xp(NOVICE, VETERAN,GURU) ) return result string; string – the code you cocked up. your_xp – your experience level. helper_xp – experience level of the guy who found the mistake. This function calculates the number of beers you owe the person who found your mistake. NB The algorithm is a […]

Rap Function

rap( target string, count number, substitution boolean ) return result string; string1 – the string to be modified. count – the number of adulterations to be applied (default 5, recommend < 10) substitution – a boolean flag which controls whether the algorithm can add, remove or change words to improve the rhyming of the result. […]

Stupid File

A text file containing the verbal fumbling, tongue trips and gaffes of friends and colleagues for example: Dilated pupils are a completely subconscious sign of sexual attraction – that’s why restaurants are lit by dark candles. They get a big leather book and chalk it in with a quill pen. We went into an antique shop looking […]

Hedge Magnet

A hidden device which causes drunken people or people trying to learn to ride a bike after the age of 30 (sorry Babe) to fall into hedges at random.

Eye Snot

That mysterious dirt you find stuck to the inside of your glasses even though you haven’t touched them.

Ballistic Teddy

A phrase used to describe an incident where someone has become very, very upset or frustrated and thrown their toys from the pram at lethal speed.  A good friend of mine manufactured a clear plastic enclosure attached to a pillar near his desk – inside was a miniature teddy bear.  Clearly marked on the fron […]

Online Auction Site

A place where the word “genuine” frequently appears inside double quotes… A place where people complain an item hasn’t arrived but go all quiet when you send them their digital signature from the carrier’s website… A place where people strangely think charging postage and packing is an outrage… A place where people SHOUT ABOUT EVERYTHING […]

Bullshit Bingo: Politicians

For rules of play and other versions click [p2p type="slug" value="bullshit-bingo-rules"]. I don’t think people are interested in…<thing people are very interested> I think people are tired of… <something the politician is tired of> We need to draw a line under this <because it makes me look bad>. Taking the tough decisions.  Ignoring the electorate […]


trumpterfuge (n.): Going to a wildlife park or zoo with the specific intention of hiding the vile smells being produced by your own arse. See also [p2p type="slug" value="gasoflage"]

Gradual Gunfire

This begs the question: Is there such a thing as “Gradual Gunfire”?

Bideccaquadritis (n.)

A severe addiction to 24 resulting in the use of the following phrases in casual conversation by the vending machines: “That’s a mistake – never select decaf.” “You have to let me do it my way – otherwise the sliding door thing get’s stuck.” “I don’t care! I like the taste of dishwater.” “Tell me […]


switchatarian (n): a vegetarian who occasionally compromises and eats meat.


Percentitis (n.) describing things using percentages all the time: “That [p2p type="slug" value="bovril-punch"] was 73.9 percent less enjoyable than I was expecting it to be…” “That movie was 2.3% less disappointing than I expected it to be…”

Nerb (n.)

A noun which the has been turned into a verb: e.g. party, favourite or more recently medal…

Nail Gun

nail gun (n.) a) A kind of hair drier device used by builders to dry their nail varnish. b) A weapon used to hold up beauty salons. WARNING: To the litigious among you this is complete fiction – under no circumstances use a Nail Gun to dry your nails! If robbing a hair salon DO […]


midtone (n.) a terrible rapid but droning voice popular with geeks and some DJs and TV presenters. Inspired by the DJ Chris Moyles saying another DJ spoke “like the middle part of a horse race”.


hobos (n.) Greek for “pimp”.


gasoflage (n.): Going to a wildlife park or zoo with the specific intention of hiding the vile sounds and smells being emitted from your own arse. See also [p2p type="slug" value="trumpterfuge"]


Fegan (n.) Short for “fake vegan” – this is someone who declares themselves to be Vegan but walks around with their pockets stuffed with raw beef and chicken heads which they nibble when nobody is looking.


hyperelongationism (n.) The act of or a tendency towards hyperelongationising; adding pointless extensions to the end of a word in the hope of appearing smarterer. Particularly prevalent in legal circles which backs up my theory… directionality => direction (CSI New York) usurpation => usurping (from the US Declaration of Independence) importation => import or importing burglarized […]


horizontalitis (n.) The phenomenon where your bookshelves are full so you start stacking them on that tempting ledge in front of the vertical on