Eye Snot

That mysterious dirt you find stuck to the inside of your glasses even though you haven’t touched them.

Ballistic Teddy

A phrase used to describe an incident where someone has become very, very upset or frustrated and thrown their toys from the pram at lethal speed.  A good friend of mine manufactured a clear plastic enclosure attached to a pillar near his desk – inside was a miniature teddy bear.  Clearly marked on the fron […]

Online Auction Site

A place where the word “genuine” frequently appears inside double quotes… A place where people complain an item hasn’t arrived but go all quiet when you send them their digital signature from the carrier’s website… A place where people strangely think charging postage and packing is an outrage… A place where people SHOUT ABOUT EVERYTHING […]

Bullshit Bingo: Politicians

For rules of play and other versions click [p2p type=”slug” value=”bullshit-bingo-rules”]. I don’t think people are interested in…<thing people are very interested> I think people are tired of… <something the politician is tired of> We need to draw a line under this <because it makes me look bad>. Taking the tough decisions.  Ignoring the electorate […]


trumpterfuge (n.): Going to a wildlife park or zoo with the specific intention of hiding the vile smells being produced by your own arse. See also [p2p type=”slug” value=”gasoflage”]

Gradual Gunfire

This begs the question: Is there such a thing as “Gradual Gunfire”?

Bideccaquadritis (n.)

A severe addiction to 24 resulting in the use of the following phrases in casual conversation by the vending machines: “That’s a mistake – never select decaf.” “You have to let me do it my way – otherwise the sliding door thing get’s stuck.” “I don’t care! I like the taste of dishwater.” “Tell me […]

Dissociated Hair Syndrome

A phenomenon which occurs when you have your hair professionally coiffured to such a degree it ends up looking like a wig… very prevalent among media luvvys. Can also occur as a result of failing to come to terms with the fact you’re thinning, resorting instead to a thoroughly unconvincing comb-over.


switchatarian (n): a vegetarian who occasionally compromises and eats meat. Switchatarian.com


Percentitis (n.) describing things using percentages all the time: “That [p2p type=”slug” value=”bovril-punch”] was 73.9 percent less enjoyable than I was expecting it to be…” “That movie was 2.3% less disappointing than I expected it to be…”

Nerb (n.)

A noun which the has been turned into a verb: e.g. party, favourite or more recently medal…

Nail Gun

nail gun (n.) a) A kind of hair drier device used by builders to dry their nail varnish. b) A weapon used to hold up beauty salons. WARNING: To the litigious among you this is complete fiction – under no circumstances use a Nail Gun to dry your nails! If robbing a hair salon DO […]


midtone (n.) a terrible rapid but droning voice popular with geeks and some DJs and TV presenters. Inspired by the DJ Chris Moyles saying another DJ spoke “like the middle part of a horse race”.


hobos (n.) Greek for “pimp”.


gasoflage (n.): Going to a wildlife park or zoo with the specific intention of hiding the vile sounds and smells being emitted from your own arse. See also [p2p type=”slug” value=”trumpterfuge”]


Fegan (n.) Short for “fake vegan” – this is someone who declares themselves to be Vegan but walks around with their pockets stuffed with raw beef and chicken heads which they nibble when nobody is looking.


hyperelongationism (n.) The act of or a tendency towards hyperelongationising; adding pointless extensions to the end of a word in the hope of appearing smarterer. Particularly prevalent in legal circles which backs up my theory… directionality => direction (CSI New York) usurpation => usurping (from the US Declaration of Independence) importation => import or importing burglarized […]


horizontalitis (n.) The phenomenon where your bookshelves are full so you start stacking them on that tempting ledge in front of the vertical on


Claryitis (n.) Named in honour of the British comedian Julian Clary. A common condition whereby a simple double entendre sends the sufferer into frenzy of seeing double meanings where there simply aren’t any. For instance a colleague recently pulled out (ooerr) of a works outing at the last minute and declared “my slot is free if […]

Spapology (n.)

A “spam apology”.  This refers to the insincere canned emails you receive from the complaint pages of many websites.  The worst offenders (you know who you are!) are sites which prefer never to deal with real humans and don’t have any phone numbers as a result.  You go to complain and get sent to an […]


Bidecaditis (n.) The phenomenon where, every twenty years, the music has become incomprehensibly vile, the behaviour of young people has deteriorated to an all time low and booze is five times the price it was when you were able to drink more than five pints without needing a lie down


Arlseburg (n.) The dregs of a glass of lager with a cigarette butt floating in it

Antichris (n.)

Antichris (n.) I have a buddy called Chris Hannam – he’s a safety consultant in the entertainment industry his website is here Stagesafe. The Antichris is his twin brother who is a stuntman…


lactodaisical (adj): A sudden feeling that you are quite capable of breast feeding – even though your a bloke..

Shaving Mirror

A special magnifying device used to enhance the male ego when using the toilet.