WikiFictionary

A text file containing the verbal fumbling, tongue trips and gaffes of friends and colleagues for example:

• Dilated pupils are a completely subconscious sign of sexual attraction – that’s why restaurants are lit by dark candles.
• They get a big leather book and chalk it in with a quill pen.
• We went into an antique shop looking for a baby grand rocking clock. (An amazingly messed up attempt to say “grandmother clock”)

A hidden device which causes drunken people or people trying to learn to ride a bike after the age of 30 (sorry Babe) to fall into hedges at random.

That mysterious dirt you find stuck to the inside of your glasses even though you haven’t touched them.

A phrase used to describe an incident where someone has become very, very upset or frustrated and thrown their toys from the pram at lethal speed.  A good friend of mine manufactured a clear plastic enclosure attached to a pillar near his desk – inside was a miniature teddy bear.  Clearly marked on the fron were these words:

IN CASE OF EMERGENCY – REMOVE CONTENTS AND THROW!

Check out the bullet holes...

This begs the question: Is there such a thing as “Gradual Gunfire”?

These invisible hazards are the cause of those mysterious groin aches you get after a bout of ill advised, heavy drinking.

An item of clothing, worn mostly by women, which causes men to constantly stare at the wearer’s bottom.

A groin injury caused as a result of failing to land a jump properly when using a Mountain bike or BMX.  Can also be caused by stopping quickly on a bicycle when you’ve just washed the saddle.

bull bacon (n.)

This is a genuine excerpt of an overheard conversation at a barbecue:

“Oooh is that bull bacon…”

“Errr…no, just normal bacon.  By the way, the other kind is called beef…”

Well done Lisa Rowe!

A fine example of one of Mark Kermodes finest here: Pirates of the Caribbean 3