WikiFictionary

Oh yesss... don't stop...

noun: A specialised sub-genre of blackmail where the blackmailer obtains or fakes pictures of the victim in compromising position with a donkey, pony or sheep.

alt: a slightly slower, yet much more reliable form of message based communication.

An elaborate protective pendant for your bottom.

A dormitory full of inflatable bunk beds.

A machine which vastly increases the speed at which you can make mistakes while exponentially increasing the trust you place in the erroneous answers it gives you.

Alcohove (n.) An alcove with a drunk peeing in it…

Beanoitis (n.) A sudden propensity for using the word “cripes” accompanied by an uncontrollable urge to make a big heap of mashed potato with sausages sticking out of it.

PS Those of you who, due to age or geography, have no idea what I’m talking about, may wish to go to Beano Town It’s genteel humour from a bygone age, which you may find has a certain charm which modern life lacks and which those of us in our forties have a (probably unjustified) nostalgia for.

struttenparker adj.: Someone who revs their convertible sports car ostentatiously during a parking manoeuvre.

Any bing, ding, ping, ring, zing or vibration made by modern electronic devices to disturb your peace and tranquility.  You can probably guess what the “f” stands for – and enoise had already been taken when I Googled it!  I am starting a campaign for a “No FNoise Day”… leave a comment here if you want to join in… see my other blog www.SixWordIdeas.com for details.

bialance (n) :  A combination of bias and balance.  A media technique which appears to add objectivity to an item but actually allows the creator to twist the result to their preferred outcome.

Technique 1: Ask a person you disagree with to come onto the program to “express their viewpoint” or “set the record straight” then invite either a vociferous opponent or an angry person affected by whatever issue is under discussion.

Technique 2: Ask people on the street for their comments then, irrespective of the proportions expressing a preference for the available options, edit the piece to give the desired impression.  This applies a lot to UK political coverage where opinions frequently seem to split evenly two or three ways when the reality seems unlikely to be this simple.

switchatarian (n): a vegetarian who occasionally compromises and eats meat.

Switchatarian.com

Percentitis (n.) describing things using percentages all the time:

• “That Bovril Punch was 73.9 percent less enjoyable than I was expecting it to be…”
• “That movie was 2.3% less disappointing than I expected it to be…”

A noun which the has been turned into a verb: e.g. party, favourite or more recently medal…

nail gun (n.)

• a) A kind of hair drier device used by builders to dry their nail varnish.

• b) A weapon used to hold up beauty salons.

WARNING: To the litigious among you this is complete fiction – under no circumstances use a Nail Gun to dry your nails! If robbing a hair salon DO NOT under any circumstances fire your Nail Gun or you’ll ignite all the hair spray and kill everyone.

midtone (n.) a terrible rapid but droning voice popular with geeks and some DJs and TV presenters. Inspired by the DJ Chris Moyles saying another DJ spoke “like the middle part of a horse race”.

hobos (n.) Greek for “pimp”.

Fegan (n.) Short for “fake vegan” – this is someone who declares themselves to be Vegan but walks around with their pockets stuffed with raw beef and chicken heads which they nibble when nobody is looking.

hyperelongationism (n.) The act of or a tendency towards hyperelongationising; adding pointless extensions to the end of a word in the hope of appearing smarterer. Particularly prevalent in legal circles which backs up my theory…

• directionality => direction (CSI New York)
• usurpation => usurping (from the US Declaration of Independence)
• importation => import or importing
• burglarized => burgled

horizontalitis (n.) The phenomenon where your bookshelves are full so you start stacking them on that tempting ledge in front of the vertical on

Claryitis (n.) Named in honour of the British comedian Julian Clary. A common condition whereby a simple double entendre sends the sufferer into frenzy of seeing double meanings where there simply aren’t any. For instance a colleague recently pulled out (ooerr) of a works outing at the last minute and declared “my slot is free if anybody wants it”. This lead to a major outbreak of claryitis within the office.

Bidecaditis (n.) The phenomenon where, every twenty years, the music has become incomprehensibly vile, the behaviour of young people has deteriorated to an all time low and booze is five times the price it was when you were able to drink more than five pints without needing a lie down

Arlseburg (n.) The dregs of a glass of lager with a cigarette butt floating in it

Oooooh, owwww! Cold saddle!

Antichris (n.) I have a buddy called Chris Hannam – he’s a safety consultant in the entertainment industry his website is here Stagesafe.

The Antichris is his twin brother who is a stuntman…

An increasingly rare speech impediment leading to a complete ignorance of how a word is spelt or pronounced by the vast majority of the population.   This results in bizarre pronunciations missing out entire sections of a word and often in saying different words in exactly the same way.

Examples:

• The words “really” and “rarely” are both pronounced “rehly”.
• The word “coward” is pronounced as “card”.
• ffeatherstonhaugh is pronounced fanshaw.

Victims are often to be found sitting in large leather armchairs by the fireplaces in gentlemans’ clubs. Secondary symptoms include a large red nose and an addiction to cigars.

gentrification (n): The canal still has bodies floating by from time to time; but they’re wearing really nice suits.

A feeling of unfulfilled promise you only get while profoundly drunk.