Wimborne (a.k.a Wimborne Pants): Originating near the Dorset/Somerset border this is a completely non-contact, defensive art practiced principally in public houses. Scenario: Having accidentally jostled a fellow customer you are confronted with a very irate “Oy mate! Did you spill my pint?“ Escape Phase 1: You turn 10 degrees towards the assailant, widen your eyes, opens […]
Well you have to don’t you – they’re just so damned versatile… scrambled, boiled, omeletted.
An Orangutang is an strongly flavoured orange sweet which has been in your pocket without the wrapper for a minimum of one month (the duration of a UK Summer) picking up all the fluff. This results in a fluffy orange object which can still be absurdly appealing after a night of heavy drinking.
Dog Gin & Tonic That’s a finger bowl because of the starter you ordered you idiot…
5 litres of boiling water 1 Jar of Bovril 1 litre of cheap Vodka PS If anyone out there is insane enough to actually make this thing, can you let me know if it’s any good?
A wine punch popular in Spain and Portugal. When made for local people it contains: red wine, chopped or sliced fruit (often orange, apple, and/or peach; occasionally kiwi or banana), a sweetener such as honey or orange juice, a small amount of added brandy, triple sec, or other spirits. carbonated water When made for irritating […]
That unmistakable all year round ruddiness of the raging alcoholic.
This is a simple test to find out if the company you’re working for is in grave difficulties. Order a pencil (or the smallest number of pencils you are allowed to order). If they tell you to go to the stationary cupboard and it’s unlocked everything is fine. If they tell you to go to […]
The perfect term for those moments when you meet someone so idiotic that halfwit just won’t do and quarterwit seems too harsh…
Far Corfe is a mythical village in Dorset and location of the the most idyllic pub in England – “”The Frog & Quantity Surveyor’s Arms & Head”. Similar to Brigadoon except it’s there all the time but, in the same way as the rainbow’s end, it’s impossible to get to. I know, because I’ve tried… […]
Spanky Pagoda (n.) a portable tent which allows the wearer to spank the monkey in private.
The Vicious Squirrel frequents the Chells neighborhood of Stevenage (Herts.), England. It destroys laundry left on the line to dry, often vomits, and eats small children weighing up to 13.5 kg.
A very shy and non-commital ornamental fish usually found hiding under lily pads…
Verukalate [VEH-roo-KAH-late] (v.) 1. To act like Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory. 2. To be a snobby little brat
Scrump (v.) (archaic) Stealing apples from an orchard. New definition: A scratch on a car bumper. Scrumps often cause disproportionate road rage in people who don’t understand how cities work…
Drightseeing (v.) drag race sightseeing – the act of viewing spectacular and culturally rich spectacles as if it were a race.
An act of public affection interrupted two thirds of the way through when one participant is bitten on the bottom by a small woodland animal.
A clue that someone has had media training. It is, apparently, rude to point. But people feel a natural inclination to do so when accusing each other. The media trainers seem to teach people to tuck their index finger in… but that leaves the thumb resting on the tucked finger. The hand still jabs towards […]
A unit of measure: 0.66 recurring cubic meters of any substance used by builders. Billed to the client as a full cubic metre but undersized and generously garnished with: cigarette ends sweet papers used condoms
Nature and evolution at their best. Rumours of the extermination campaign for eradicating TB have triggered a response. Armed with a variety of confiscated weaponry but much preferring a sawn off shotgun. As you can see from the image it has reached such epidemic proportions the authorities have been forced to erect warning signs. Pest […]
Used to describe any gadget guaranteed to divide opinion into three distinct camps… Camp 1: It is unmitigated genius the likes of which have never before been seen upon the face of the Earth and for which we should give daily thanks as its mere appearance is like the tears of an angel being cried […]
beer( target string, your_xp(NOVICE, VETERAN, GURU), helper_xp(NOVICE, VETERAN,GURU) ) return result string; string – the code you cocked up. your_xp – your experience level. helper_xp – experience level of the guy who found the mistake. This function calculates the number of beers you owe the person who found your mistake. NB The algorithm is a […]
rap( target string, count number, substitution boolean ) return result string; string1 – the string to be modified. count – the number of adulterations to be applied (default 5, recommend < 10) substitution – a boolean flag which controls whether the algorithm can add, remove or change words to improve the rhyming of the result. […]
A text file containing the verbal fumbling, tongue trips and gaffes of friends and colleagues for example: Dilated pupils are a completely subconscious sign of sexual attraction – that’s why restaurants are lit by dark candles. They get a big leather book and chalk it in with a quill pen. We went into an antique shop looking […]
A hidden device which causes drunken people or people trying to learn to ride a bike after the age of 30 (sorry Babe) to fall into hedges at random.