A beautiful country to the North of England – vast lakes (lochs), stunning mountains and lush green countryside. Provides the world’s best intestine based main courses (haggis) and battered, deep-fried confectionery desserts (Mars). The locals have many quaint customs including the use of facial punching instead of a hand shake. Go there!
Archive for the ‘Places’ Category
The North of England… where men are still men and cars run on biowhippets.
- Northern Culture
- Northern Language
- Northern Places
A magical land of wonder and arse pinching…
Tricky one this, a minefield of sensitive stereotypes and historical baggage.
Oh shit – I said minefield…
I was going to get this page written by a genuine French person… but she went on strike and blocked my drive with her car.
The only country in the world where the bowler hat is still considered fashionable, the Carry On films hip and cool and calling women “love” or “darling” still socially acceptable.
The really cold one above and a bit the the left of Canada where everyone is constantly drunk on tequila from a bottle with some blokes toe in it.
The one above the USA. This is, in fact, where all the Americans are born. First they learn the basics by practising not saying please or thank you. Next they they learn to shoot things, execute people and drive pickup trucks. A quick course in “How to Increase Your Carbon Footprint” and “How not to Run a Banking System” and they’re ready to roll across the border.
Mexico is the the cute warm little country below the USA. It has really cool bullet ridden mud houses. The main import for Mexico is fugitives and main exports are domestic staff and donkeys.
The bit above Mexico but below Canada. The main difference between Canada and the USA is that more male citizens of the USA have had sex with an animal than have a passport.
Nestled in the Mendip hills near the river Piddling it has a chocolate box look with no roads signs and very few street lights.
Far Corfe is a mythical village in Dorset and location of the the most idyllic pub in England – “”The Frog & Quantity Surveyor’s Arms & Head”. Similar to Brigadoon except it’s there all the time but, in the same way as the rainbow’s end, it’s impossible to get to. I know, because I’ve tried… Time and again I entered some cosy little pub and approached a camouflage clad, baseball cap wearing local as he leant jauntily on his Land Rover (why it was in the bar they wouldn’t say). Time and again I showed them the dog eared card with the pub’s name (which you must never say aloud). Time and again they would point and say “Far Corfe”… I would drive like the wind, but never, ever find that which I seek.
Scrabby Buttock is a formerly thriving Somerset mining town, near a sewage treatment plant and nestled between two large chalk outcrops covered in fir trees. The town shut down after the sewage works extension leaked into the mine filling it with several million gallons of untreated human effluvium.
You need to click the image for a good look – best I could do with my cameraphone…
Doing your bit for the environment.
The Senso Unici (for there are two – one in Rome and one in Florence) are hidden art galleries behind hinged wine racks in the wine cellars of modest restaurants. Discovered by the famed explorer Timothy Clunge-Martle while looking for a bottle of Chianti that didn’t remove all the skin from the inside of his mouth. The rarity and beauty of the two collections is said to rival the Uffizi and even the Vatican museum. Both now open for public viewing and very well sign posted throughout both cities.
