Category Archives: People

They may not really exists – but they are a laugh!

Fiona Farbetwain

Fiona Farbetwain was a Post Mistress in the Outer Hebrides. She came to fame after the sinking of the boat normally used to deliver the post by coming up with the novel solution of wading from one island to the next on stilts.

I’m a Celibate – Get Me Out of Here!

The idea was an extremely promising one with all the usual winning ingredients: Z-list celebrities, a predictable format and a telephone vote. Each week famous celibate celebs would be taken to some temptingly erotic location and titillated until they gave in – last one standing (or unencumbered by furry handcuffs) was the winner. However, the […]

Punchy Drunks

These fall broadly into three sub-categories: Comedy – lurch about swinging wildly and can’t hit a thing and can amuse you for hours but if you’re a good friend make sure they don’t hurt themselves. Professional – can hit really hard and are what Tasers were invented for.  aka “twats” or “psycopaths”. Literal – they […]

Kanelpyu (n.)

A terrible condition which afflicts anyone whose job involves repeating a breezy greeting or repetitive and insincere offer of assistance to people they really don’t care about.  This results in the creation of a whole host of new fictionary words like: Jawonanysawses? Jalykadrink? Pastrywivat? Enthintweet? Pliskallmibakon (incomprehensible phone number). Wojjalyke? Kannagajennything? Crispynutsothersnaks? Galarge? And the […]

Grumpy Drunks

Ok, you’ve got me, I put this in because of the 7 dwarves thing and can’t think of a gag… Grumpy drunks… they’re grumpy, don’t invite them to parties…

shaté (n.)

The end result of eating paté which has passed it’s sell by date.

Selfie-Expression

That really odd sideways and upwards look which makes the selfie taker look like they’ve had either an orgasm or a stroke…

Giggly Drunks

Prone to laughing at absolutely nothing until their eyes look just as red as .

Sleepy Drunks

Very cute when they fall asleep, mildly annoying when they snore, yucky when they dribble in your crotch.

Cuddly Drunks

Depending on your mood and their attractiveness they can be great fun or a total liability. If attractiveness is the deciding factor – have more punch! If your mood is the deciding facor and you are any of the other types – apart from – drink more punch! Highly likely to become with the rapidity […]

Cucumber Trumpeting

The act of Cucumber Trumpeting involves hollowing out the fruit and, by adding the appropriate holes, playing it like a trumpet.  Honestly this sounds more like a flute or penny whistle to me, but I just have to go with the reasearch and trumpeting appears, at present, to be the popular term for this activity. […]

Blubby Drunks

Blubby Drunks careen around your party all evening crying and talking in that strange way where all the words run together until abruptly swinging into one of the other drunk types when they aren’t getting enough attention. Don’t let them near the punch – unless it’s our very own – because they’ll cry and snot […]

Insecurity

If you can give someone a false sense of security – can you give them a genuine sense of insecurity?

Wimborne (n.)

Wimborne (a.k.a Wimborne Pants): Originating near the Dorset/Somerset border this is a completely non-contact, defensive art practiced principally in public houses. Scenario: Having accidentally jostled a fellow customer you are confronted with a very irate “Oy mate! Did you spill my pint?“ Escape Phase 1: You turn 10 degrees towards the assailant, widen your eyes, opens […]

Love Eggs

Well you have to don’t you – they’re just so damned versatile… scrambled, boiled, omeletted.

Orangutang

An Orangutang is an strongly flavoured orange sweet which has been in your pocket without the wrapper for a minimum of one month (the duration of a UK Summer) picking up all the fluff. This results in a fluffy orange object which can still be absurdly appealing after a night of heavy drinking.

Dog Gin & Tonic

Dog Gin & Tonic That’s a finger bowl because of the starter you ordered you idiot…

Bovril Punch

5 litres of boiling water 1 Jar of Bovril 1 litre of cheap Vodka PS If anyone out there is insane enough to actually make this thing, can you let me know if it’s any good?

Sangria

A wine punch popular in Spain and Portugal. When made for local people it contains: red wine, chopped or sliced fruit (often orange, apple, and/or peach; occasionally kiwi or banana), a sweetener such as honey or orange juice, a small amount of added brandy, triple sec, or other spirits. carbonated water When made for irritating […]

boozeburn (n.)

That unmistakable all year round ruddiness of the raging alcoholic.

thirdwit (n.)

The perfect term for those moments when you meet someone so idiotic that halfwit just won’t do and quarterwit seems too harsh…

Thumb Pointing

A clue that someone has had media training.  It is, apparently, rude to point. But people feel a natural inclination to do so when accusing each other.  The media trainers seem to teach people to tuck their index finger in… but that leaves the thumb resting on the tucked finger.  The hand still jabs towards […]

Eye Snot

That mysterious dirt you find stuck to the inside of your glasses even though you haven’t touched them.

Bullshit Bingo: Politicians

For rules of play and other versions click . I don’t think people are interested in…<thing people are very interested> I think people are tired of… <something the politician is tired of> We need to draw a line under this <because it makes me look bad>. Taking the tough decisions.  Ignoring the electorate and doing […]

Shaving Mirror

A special magnifying device used to enhance the male ego when using the toilet.