Fact Deletion Syndrome – The uncanny ability of a newspaper to delete all relevant information from a news story.
Archive for the ‘Fictionary Dictionary’ Category
A terrible condition which afflicts anyone whose job involves repeating a breezy greeting or repetitive and insincere offer of assistance to people they really don’t give a crap about. This results in the creation of a whole host of new fictionary words like:
- Jawonanysawses?
- Jalykadrink?
- Pastrywivat?
- Enthintweet?
- Pliskallmibakon<incomprehensibly babbled phone number>by.
- Wojjalyke?
- Kannagajennything?
- Crispynutsothersnaks?
- Galarge?
And the eponymous kanelpyu… diagnosis is relatively straightforward as the questioner is distorting your reply in a similar way so anything vaguely resembling an expected answer will result in the delivery of the correct item. For instance when asked Crispynutsothersnaks? If the reply ”A packet of penis please.” results in a packet of peanuts rather than a call to the police… they are definitely suffering from kanelpyu.
The end result of eating paté which has passed it’s sell by date.
Analyst Needs New Yacht – someone is padding the task with impressive presentations and protestations of complexity – do some more weeding.
bialance (n) : A combination of bias and balance. A media technique which appears to add objectivity to an item but actually allows the creator to twist the result to their preferred outcome.
Technique 1: Ask a person you disagree with to come onto the program to “express their viewpoint” or “set the record straight” then invite either a vociferous opponent or an angry person affected by whatever issue is under discussion.
Technique 2: Ask people on the street for their comments then, irrespective of the proportions expressing a preference for the available options, edit the piece to give the desired impression. This applies a lot to UK political coverage where opinions frequently seem to split evenly two or three ways when the reality seems unlikely to be this simple.
That unmistakable all year round ruddiness of the raging alcoholic.
The perfect term for those moments when you meet someone so idiotic that halfwit just won’t do and quarterwit seems too harsh…
Verukalate [VEH-roo-KAH-late] (v.)
1. To act like Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory. 2. To be a snobby little brat
Scrump (v.) (archaic) Stealing apples from an orchard. New definition: A scratch on a car bumper. Scrumps often cause disproportionate road rage in people who don’t understand how cities work…
Drightseeing (v.) drag race sightseeing – the act of viewing spectacular and culturally rich spectacles as if it were a race.
An act of public affection interrupted two thirds of the way through when one participant is bitten on the bottom by a small woodland animal.
A unit of measure: 0.66 recurring cubic meters of any substance used by builders.
Billed to the client as a full cubic metre but undersized and generously garnished with:
- cigarette ends
- sweet papers
- used condoms
BADGERS! Run for your lives...
Nature and evolution at their best. Rumours of the extermination campaign for eradicating TB have triggered a response. Armed with a variety of confiscated weaponry but much preferring a sawn off shotgun. As you can see from the image it has reached such epidemic proportions the authorities have been forced to erect warning signs. Pest control is difficult as the badgers often camouflage themselves as other woodland creatures such as zebra.
Historical evidence suggests this may have happened before in mainland Europe with 14th century French texts containing the phrase “Regardez vous le blaireau avec un trebuchet”.
Used to describe any gadget guaranteed to divide opinion into three distinct camps…
Camp 1: It is unmitigated genius the likes of which have never before been seen upon the face of the Earth and for which we should give daily thanks as its mere appearance is like the tears of an angel being cried into your eyeballs. A Spanky Pagoda will be required to avoid arrest when you reach the front of the queue outside the shop – it will also provide shelter during the 3 days you’ve been queueing.
Camp 2: It’s a very good product which certainly moves the game on substantially and might be getting very good indeed by the second or third version. That said it is marred by a few glaring omissions some of which appear odd and leave you with the impression the underlying decision was based on emotion and bloody mindedness and not logic, commercial interest or common sense.
Camp 3: It’s an overblown, over-designed, hyped up piece of crap bought without fail by simpering feeble minded sycophants who can’t stop talking about the bloody thing to the point where people will cross the street to prevent a homicidal rage attack like the one that happened last time…
beer( target string, your_xp(NOVICE, VETERAN, GURU), helper_xp(NOVICE, VETERAN,GURU) ) return result string;
- string – the code you cocked up.
- your_xp – your experience level.
- helper_xp – experience level of the guy who found the mistake.
This function calculates the number of beers you owe the person who found your mistake.
NB The algorithm is a trade secret but don’t assume a “schoolboy error” will return a low number if your_xp is GURU…
rap( target string, count number, substitution boolean ) return result string;
- string1 – the string to be modified.
- count – the number of adulterations to be applied (default 5, recommend < 10)
- substitution – a boolean flag which controls whether the algorithm can add, remove or change words to improve the rhyming of the result.
This handy string function is ideal for the musically inclined – simply pass in any string of your choosing and this function will add the requested number of swear words, misogynist references to “hoes” and phrases about “busting caps” in other peoples bottoms.
Example:
rap(“I saw a cow eat grass while walking to my Granny’s house.”, 4, TRUE);
Saw a cow smokin’ grass, monochrome bootie hangin’ low, titties out what a ho, while I strode in the road to Gramma’s crib.”
A text file containing the verbal fumbling, tongue trips and gaffes of friends and colleagues for example:
- Dilated pupils are a completely subconscious sign of sexual attraction – that’s why restaurants are lit by dark candles.
- They get a big leather book and chalk it in with a quill pen.
- We went into an antique shop looking for a baby grand rocking clock. (An amazingly messed up attempt to say “grandmother clock”)
A hidden device which causes drunken people or people trying to learn to ride a bike after the age of 30 (sorry Babe) to fall into hedges at random.
That mysterious dirt you find stuck to the inside of your glasses even though you haven’t touched them.
A phrase used to describe an incident where someone has become very, very upset or frustrated and thrown their toys from the pram at lethal speed. A good friend of mine manufactured a clear plastic enclosure attached to a pillar near his desk – inside was a miniature teddy bear. Clearly marked on the fron were these words:
IN CASE OF EMERGENCY – REMOVE CONTENTS AND THROW!
trumpterfuge (n.): Going to a wildlife park or zoo with the specific intention of hiding the vile smells being produced by your own arse.
See also Gasoflage
Check out the bullet holes...
This begs the question: Is there such a thing as “Gradual Gunfire”?
A severe addiction to 24 resulting in the use of the following phrases in casual conversation by the vending machines:
- “That’s a mistake – never select decaf.”
- “You have to let me do it my way – otherwise the sliding door thing get’s stuck.”
- “I don’t care! I like the taste of dishwater.”
- “Tell me the location of the sweetener or I will kill you!”
- “We don’t have much time – they don’t have a tea break here.”
- “We have a situation – spilled coffee call the CDC … er Helpdesk.”
- “We don’t have 10 minutes – we have 30.”
- “Do you have a visual on the sandwich van.”
- “There’s no time – like the present.”
- “You have to trust me – the powdered fruit juice tastes like p*ss.”
- “Yes mister President – I don’t smoke, but hey, free cigar.”
- “I’m sorry but we didn’t have a choice – only black decaf coffee left.”
- “We did what was necessary – and wobbled the machine until the crisps fell out.”
- “Your making a terrible mistake – don’t touch the freakin’ decaf – how many times!.”
- “I’ll giver you covering fire…. go, go! Sorry, not sure what happened there.”
- “Let’s move – quietly back to our desks.”
switchatarian (n): a vegetarian who occasionally compromises and eats meat.
Percentitis (n.) describing things using percentages all the time:
- “That Bovril Punch was 73.9 percent less enjoyable than I was expecting it to be…”
- “That movie was 2.3% less disappointing than I expected it to be…”
