WikiFictionary

gasoflage (n.): Going to a wildlife park or zoo with the specific intention of hiding the vile sounds and smells being emitted from your own arse.

See also Trumpterfuge


Fegan (n.) Short for “fake vegan” – this is someone who declares themselves to be Vegan but walks around with their pockets stuffed with raw beef and chicken heads which they nibble when nobody is looking.

hyperelongationism (n.) The act of or a tendency towards hyperelongationising; adding pointless extensions to the end of a word in the hope of appearing smarterer. Particularly prevalent in legal circles which backs up my theory…

• directionality => direction (CSI New York)
• usurpation => usurping (from the US Declaration of Independence)
• importation => import or importing
• burglarized => burgled

horizontalitis (n.) The phenomenon where your bookshelves are full so you start stacking them on that tempting ledge in front of the vertical on

Claryitis (n.) Named in honour of the British comedian Julian Clary. A common condition whereby a simple double entendre sends the sufferer into frenzy of seeing double meanings where there simply aren’t any. For instance a colleague recently pulled out (ooerr) of a works outing at the last minute and declared “my slot is free if anybody wants it”. This lead to a major outbreak of claryitis within the office.

A “spam apology”.  This refers to the insincere canned emails you receive from the complaint pages of many websites.  The worst offenders (you know who you are!) are sites which prefer never to deal with real humans and don’t have any phone numbers as a result.  You go to complain and get sent to an FAQ or worse a forum where users sort their own problems out.  You get some suggested answers with no bearing at all on your problem.  Then you type in a complaint and get a spapology saying “We’re very sorry to hear you are unhappy… blah blah.”

The very fact this is automated means it lacks sincerity…

Bidecaditis (n.) The phenomenon where, every twenty years, the music has become incomprehensibly vile, the behaviour of young people has deteriorated to an all time low and booze is five times the price it was when you were able to drink more than five pints without needing a lie down

Arlseburg (n.) The dregs of a glass of lager with a cigarette butt floating in it

Oooooh, owwww! Cold saddle!

Antichris (n.) I have a buddy called Chris Hannam – he’s a safety consultant in the entertainment industry his website is here Stagesafe.

The Antichris is his twin brother who is a stuntman…

lactodaisical (adj): A sudden feeling that you are quite capable of breast feeding – even though your a bloke..

4 inches claiming to be 6 inches – see shaving mirror.

An increasingly rare speech impediment leading to a complete ignorance of how a word is spelt or pronounced by the vast majority of the population.   This results in bizarre pronunciations missing out entire sections of a word and often in saying different words in exactly the same way.

Examples:

• The words “really” and “rarely” are both pronounced “rehly”.
• The word “coward” is pronounced as “card”.
• ffeatherstonhaugh is pronounced fanshaw.

Victims are often to be found sitting in large leather armchairs by the fireplaces in gentlemans’ clubs. Secondary symptoms include a large red nose and an addiction to cigars.

gentrification (n): The canal still has bodies floating by from time to time; but they’re wearing really nice suits.

These invisible hazards are the cause of those mysterious groin aches you get after a bout of ill advised, heavy drinking.

A prime example of hyperelongationism because it is frequently used where the word method would suffice but methodology sounds more impressive.

An item of clothing, worn mostly by women, which causes men to constantly stare at the wearer’s bottom.

Is the strip of grass you find growing down the middle of a track where 4x4s drive.

Speaking rapidly, without pausing, or breathing and with a tone of unquestionable authority using a minimum of four obscure film references to illustrate points where others use mere words, but always returning in a Corbettian (adj.) fashion to the main topic. Can occasionally give the impression that your iPod has gone into fast forward of its own accord. Almost exclusively used in the phrase “Kermodian style rant“.

This has a dual meaning:

• 1) Not very intelligent – in particular lacking common sense.
• 2) Implying a lack of length in the masculine appendage.

Gruntle (adj)

• disgruntled – Unhappy; dissatisfied; frustrated.
• gruntled – Happy; satisfied; calm.
• degruntled – moved from gruntled to disgruntled of your own accord.
• engruntled – moved from disgruntled to gruntled – esp. by someone else.
• gruntlized – forced into an unwilling state of gruntlement.
• gruntlefied – the result of being gruntlized.
• gruntlation – don’t be stupid, that’s just a made up word.

Repetitive Strain Arse: Aching or spasming of the gluteus maximus caused by fatigue.

Causes of the fatigue may vary including sitting too much, standing too much and sleeping.

However, the vast majority of cases are caused by people having to hold their buttocks apart while talking.

Worst affected are politicians, estate agents and ex-Big Brother contestants (with a few notable exceptions).

In computing: Networked File System.

Also: Normal For Somerset: A dismissive term used for bizarre and drunken behaviour

Just F*****g Do It – an under used programming Methodology which can cure Paralysis by Analysis.

A groin injury caused as a result of failing to land a jump properly when using a Mountain bike or BMX.  Can also be caused by stopping quickly on a bicycle when you’ve just washed the saddle.

Here's one we prepared earlier!

The condition of any purse or wallet when more than one year old – bulging with ancient receipts, scrappy notes, unwanted business cards, expired debt cards and perished condoms.

PS I really did mean debt not debit…