Fact Deletion Syndrome – The uncanny ability of a newspaper to delete all relevant information from a news story.
A terrible condition which afflicts anyone whose job involves repeating a breezy greeting or repetitive and insincere offer of assistance to people they really don’t care about. This results in the creation of a whole host of new fictionary words like: Jawonanysawses? Jalykadrink? Pastrywivat? Enthintweet? Pliskallmibakon (incomprehensible phone number). Wojjalyke? Kannagajennything? Crispynutsothersnaks? Galarge? And the […]
The end result of eating paté which has passed it’s sell by date.
A crucial active ingredient in all modern shampoos and conditioners…
That really odd sideways and upwards look which makes the selfie taker look like they’ve had either an orgasm or a stroke…
Analyst Needs New Yacht – someone is padding the task with impressive presentations and protestations of complexity – do some more weeding.
bialance (n) : A combination of bias and balance. A media technique which appears to add objectivity to an item but actually allows the creator to twist the result to their preferred outcome. Technique 1: Ask a person you disagree with to come onto the program to “express their viewpoint” or “set the record straight” […]
That unmistakable all year round ruddiness of the raging alcoholic.
The perfect term for those moments when you meet someone so idiotic that halfwit just won’t do and quarterwit seems too harsh…
Verukalate [VEH-roo-KAH-late] (v.) 1. To act like Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory. 2. To be a snobby little brat
Scrump (v.) (archaic) Stealing apples from an orchard. New definition: A scratch on a car bumper. Scrumps often cause disproportionate road rage in people who don’t understand how cities work…
Drightseeing (v.) drag race sightseeing – the act of viewing spectacular and culturally rich spectacles as if it were a race.
An act of public affection interrupted two thirds of the way through when one participant is bitten on the bottom by a small woodland animal.
A unit of measure: 0.66 recurring cubic meters of any substance used by builders. Billed to the client as a full cubic metre but undersized and generously garnished with: cigarette ends sweet papers used condoms
Nature and evolution at their best. Rumours of the extermination campaign for eradicating TB have triggered a response. Armed with a variety of confiscated weaponry but much preferring a sawn off shotgun. As you can see from the image it has reached such epidemic proportions the authorities have been forced to erect warning signs. Pest […]
Used to describe any gadget guaranteed to divide opinion into three distinct camps… Camp 1: It is unmitigated genius the likes of which have never before been seen upon the face of the Earth and for which we should give daily thanks as its mere appearance is like the tears of an angel being cried […]
beer( target string, your_xp(NOVICE, VETERAN, GURU), helper_xp(NOVICE, VETERAN,GURU) ) return result string; string – the code you cocked up. your_xp – your experience level. helper_xp – experience level of the guy who found the mistake. This function calculates the number of beers you owe the person who found your mistake. NB The algorithm is a […]
rap( target string, count number, substitution boolean ) return result string; string1 – the string to be modified. count – the number of adulterations to be applied (default 5, recommend < 10) substitution – a boolean flag which controls whether the algorithm can add, remove or change words to improve the rhyming of the result. […]
A text file containing the verbal fumbling, tongue trips and gaffes of friends and colleagues for example: Dilated pupils are a completely subconscious sign of sexual attraction – that’s why restaurants are lit by dark candles. They get a big leather book and chalk it in with a quill pen. We went into an antique shop looking […]
A hidden device which causes drunken people or people trying to learn to ride a bike after the age of 30 (sorry Babe) to fall into hedges at random.
That mysterious dirt you find stuck to the inside of your glasses even though you haven’t touched them.
A phrase used to describe an incident where someone has become very, very upset or frustrated and thrown their toys from the pram at lethal speed. A good friend of mine manufactured a clear plastic enclosure attached to a pillar near his desk – inside was a miniature teddy bear. Clearly marked on the fron […]
trumpterfuge (n.): Going to a wildlife park or zoo with the specific intention of hiding the vile smells being produced by your own arse. See also
This begs the question: Is there such a thing as “Gradual Gunfire”?
A severe addiction to 24 resulting in the use of the following phrases in casual conversation by the vending machines: “That’s a mistake – never select decaf.” “You have to let me do it my way – otherwise the sliding door thing get’s stuck.” “I don’t care! I like the taste of dishwater.” “Tell me […]
