Bullshit Bingo: Managers

For rules of play and other versions click [p2p type=”slug” value=”bullshit-bingo-rules”].

1. We’re making excellent progress.  We’re 80% done in 20% of the time.
2. The project shows as a red light on the MIS. The remaining 20% is taking 80% of the time.
3. It has to be done by <random date>.  It’s not a real deadline but we told the board the date. Don’t bother to get it right, get it done on time.
4. Thank you all for your efforts at the weekend.  I was playing golf you mugs.
5. We’re under resourced.  Project scope has expanded and completely changed.
6. Let’s drill-down a bit on that…  I’m a pretentious twat.
7. We need to touch base…  I’m still a pretentious twat.
8. We’re downsizing… You’re fired.
9. You’re a team player.  We need to tic-tac next week regarding vertical integration possibilities. This is great fun – everyone thinks I’m cool because of the way I talk!
10. We’re on an efficiency drive…We’ve locked the stationary cupboard.
11. We’re rationalising… You’re fired.
12. I need a SWOT report vis-à-vis the procurement cycle to ensure we’re sweating the assets. I have no f***ing clue what I’m talking about – BUT neither do they!
13. We need to cut overheads… You’re fired.
14. We need to leverage our resources to facilitate progress going forward.  It’s amazing no one has punched me in the face.
15. Can you give me a heads-up?  I need an excuse to fire you.
16. We need to make savings… You’re fired.
17. The Directors have said there’s going to be a paradigm shift. We’re all going to be fired.
18. We need to watch our bottom line… You’re fired.
19. I don’t have much bandwidth to connect ear-to-ear this week regarding the deliverables or to facilitate leveraging a home run.  I’m losing my mind.
20. There’s been a management restructure.  I’ve been fired.