Author Archives: RosieB

Insecurity

If you can give someone a false sense of security – can you give them a genuine sense of insecurity?

Wimborne (n.)

Wimborne (a.k.a Wimborne Pants): Originating near the Dorset/Somerset border this is a completely non-contact, defensive art practiced principally in public houses. Scenario: Having accidentally jostled a fellow customer you are confronted with a very irate “Oy mate! Did you spill my pint?“ Escape Phase 1: You turn 10 degrees towards the assailant, widen your eyes, opens […]

Love Eggs

Well you have to don’t you – they’re just so damned versatile… scrambled, boiled, omeletted.

Orangutang

An Orangutang is an strongly flavoured orange sweet which has been in your pocket without the wrapper for a minimum of one month (the duration of a UK Summer) picking up all the fluff. This results in a fluffy orange object which can still be absurdly appealing after a night of heavy drinking.

Dog Gin & Tonic

Dog Gin & Tonic That’s a finger bowl because of the starter you ordered you idiot…

Bovril Punch

5 litres of boiling water 1 Jar of Bovril 1 litre of cheap Vodka PS If anyone out there is insane enough to actually make this thing, can you let me know if it’s any good?

Sangria

A wine punch popular in Spain and Portugal. When made for local people it contains: red wine, chopped or sliced fruit (often orange, apple, and/or peach; occasionally kiwi or banana), a sweetener such as honey or orange juice, a small amount of added brandy, triple sec, or other spirits. carbonated water When made for irritating […]

The Pencil Test

This is a simple test to find out if the company you’re working for is in grave difficulties. Order a pencil (or the smallest number of pencils you are allowed to order). If they tell you to go to the stationary cupboard and it’s unlocked everything is fine. If they tell you to go to […]

Spanky Pagoda

Spanky Pagoda (n.) a portable tent which allows the wearer to spank the monkey in private.

Vicious Squirrel

The Vicious Squirrel frequents the Chells neighborhood of Stevenage (Herts.), England. It destroys laundry left on the line to dry, often vomits, and eats small children weighing up to 13.5 kg.

Coy Carp

A very shy and non-commital ornamental fish usually found hiding under lily pads…

Verukalate

Verukalate [VEH-roo-KAH-late] (v.) 1. To act like Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory. 2. To be a snobby little brat

Scrump

Scrump (v.) (archaic) Stealing apples from an orchard. New definition: A scratch on a car bumper. Scrumps often cause disproportionate road rage in people who don’t understand how cities work…

Drightseeing

Drightseeing (v.) drag race sightseeing – the act of viewing spectacular and culturally rich spectacles as if it were a race.

Public Funt

An act of public affection interrupted two thirds of the way through when one participant is bitten on the bottom by a small woodland animal.

Scubic Funt

A unit of measure: 0.66 recurring cubic meters of any substance used by builders. Billed to the client as a full cubic metre but undersized and generously garnished with: cigarette ends sweet papers used condoms

Somerset Gun Badger

Nature and evolution at their best. Rumours of the extermination campaign for eradicating TB have triggered a response. Armed with a variety of confiscated weaponry but much preferring a sawn off shotgun. As you can see from the image it has reached such epidemic proportions the authorities have been forced to erect warning signs. Pest […]

Beer function

beer( target string, your_xp(NOVICE, VETERAN, GURU), helper_xp(NOVICE, VETERAN,GURU) ) return result string; string – the code you cocked up. your_xp – your experience level. helper_xp – experience level of the guy who found the mistake. This function calculates the number of beers you owe the person who found your mistake. NB The algorithm is a […]

Rap Function

rap( target string, count number, substitution boolean ) return result string; string1 – the string to be modified. count – the number of adulterations to be applied (default 5, recommend < 10) substitution – a boolean flag which controls whether the algorithm can add, remove or change words to improve the rhyming of the result. […]

Stupid File

A text file containing the verbal fumbling, tongue trips and gaffes of friends and colleagues for example: Dilated pupils are a completely subconscious sign of sexual attraction – that’s why restaurants are lit by dark candles. They get a big leather book and chalk it in with a quill pen. We went into an antique shop looking […]

Hedge Magnet

A hidden device which causes drunken people or people trying to learn to ride a bike after the age of 30 (sorry Babe) to fall into hedges at random.

Eye Snot

That mysterious dirt you find stuck to the inside of your glasses even though you haven’t touched them.

Ballistic Teddy

A phrase used to describe an incident where someone has become very, very upset or frustrated and thrown their toys from the pram at lethal speed.  A good friend of mine manufactured a clear plastic enclosure attached to a pillar near his desk – inside was a miniature teddy bear.  Clearly marked on the fron […]

Bullshit Bingo: Politicians

For rules of play and other versions click . I don’t think people are interested in…<thing people are very interested> I think people are tired of… <something the politician is tired of> We need to draw a line under this <because it makes me look bad>. Taking the tough decisions.  Ignoring the electorate and doing […]

Trumpterfuge

trumpterfuge (n.): Going to a wildlife park or zoo with the specific intention of hiding the vile smells being produced by your own arse. See also