Author Archives: Chasman

thirdwit (n.)

The perfect term for those moments when you meet someone so idiotic that halfwit just won’t do and quarterwit seems too harsh…

Far Corfe

Far Corfe is a mythical village in Dorset and location of the the most idyllic pub in England – “”The Frog & Quantity Surveyor’s Arms & Head”.  Similar to Brigadoon except it’s there all the time but, in the same way as the rainbow’s end, it’s impossible to get to.  I know, because I’ve tried… […]

Thumb Pointing

A clue that someone has had media training.  It is, apparently, rude to point. But people feel a natural inclination to do so when accusing each other.  The media trainers seem to teach people to tuck their index finger in… but that leaves the thumb resting on the tucked finger.  The hand still jabs towards […]

appley (adj.)

Used to describe any gadget guaranteed to divide opinion into three distinct camps… Camp 1: It is unmitigated genius the likes of which have never before been seen upon the face of the Earth and for which we should give daily thanks as its mere appearance is like the tears of an angel being cried […]

Online Auction Site

A place where the word “genuine” frequently appears inside double quotes… A place where people complain an item hasn’t arrived but go all quiet when you send them their digital signature from the carrier’s website… A place where people strangely think charging postage and packing is an outrage… A place where people SHOUT ABOUT EVERYTHING […]

Bideccaquadritis (n.)

A severe addiction to 24 resulting in the use of the following phrases in casual conversation by the vending machines: “That’s a mistake – never select decaf.” “You have to let me do it my way – otherwise the sliding door thing get’s stuck.” “I don’t care! I like the taste of dishwater.” “Tell me […]

Dissociated Hair Syndrome

A phenomenon which occurs when you have your hair professionally coiffured to such a degree it ends up looking like a wig… very prevalent among media luvvys. Can also occur as a result of failing to come to terms with the fact you’re thinning, resorting instead to a thoroughly unconvincing comb-over.

Spapology (n.)

A “spam apology”.  This refers to the insincere canned emails you receive from the complaint pages of many websites.  The worst offenders (you know who you are!) are sites which prefer never to deal with real humans and don’t have any phone numbers as a result.  You go to complain and get sent to an […]

Shaving Mirror

A special magnifying device used to enhance the male ego when using the toilet.

Scrabby Buttock

Scrabby Buttock is a formerly thriving Somerset mining town, near a sewage treatment plant and nestled between two large chalk outcrops covered in fir trees.  The town shut down after the sewage works extension leaked into the mine filling it with several million gallons of untreated human effluvium.

Scotty B Dunn

A well known Scotts pragmatist.

Round Robin

Round Robin – an item of spam updating you on the minutiae of other peoples lives you’d rather not know. Here’s mine from last Christmas… It’s been a marvellous year. Following the publication of my third novel “Jerry Gerbil’s Adventures in Combat Accountancy” (sequel to “Jerry Gerbil’s ‘I Myself’ – Misadventures with Reflexive Pronouns”) we […]

Recycling Centre

You need to click the image for a good look – best I could do with my cameraphone…


gentrification (n): The canal still has bodies floating by from time to time; but they’re wearing really nice suits.

pistential (adj.)

A feeling of unfulfilled promise you only get while profoundly drunk.


A prime example of [p2p type=”slug” value=”hyperelongationism”] because it is frequently used where the word method would suffice but methodology sounds more impressive.

Paralysis by Analysis

This is a phenomenon in IT design where the coding phase of the project never starts because the analysis or design is never finished. Can be caused by several factors: [p2p type=”slug” value=”TFC”] [p2p type=”slug” value=”YHCA”] [p2p type=”slug” value=”ANNY”]

Bullshit Bingo: Managers

For rules of play and other versions click [p2p type=”slug” value=”bullshit-bingo-rules”]. We’re making excellent progress.  We’re 80% done in 20% of the time. The project shows as a red light on the MIS. The remaining 20% is taking 80% of the time. It has to be done by <random date>.  It’s not a real deadline but […]

Donkeymail (n. or vb.(tr))

noun: A specialised sub-genre of blackmail where the blackmailer obtains or fakes pictures of the victim in compromising position with a donkey, pony or sheep. alt: a slightly slower, yet much more reliable form of message based communication.

Bullshit Bingo: Old People

For rules of play and other versions click [p2p type=”slug” value=”bullshit-bingo-rules”]. You will notice there are fewer to choose from than the other versions making this the hardest version… I got you two for wash ‘n’ wear…  I’ve bought you two hideous bath mats. Are you all alright?  I want to talk about medical procedures and […]

Bullshit Bingo: The Rules

A simple game where you pick six items from the appropriate list then write them down, print them out.  This forms your bullshit bingo card…  During a TV or radio interview with a politician, a meeting or “core brief” at work or while talking to an elderly friend or relative tick the phrases off when […]

Drunkenness (vb.(tr))

There are five distinct kinds of drunk (click to see definitions): [p2p type=”slug” value=”sleepy-drunks”] [p2p type=”slug” value=”punchy-drunks”] [p2p type=”slug” value=”giggly-drunks”] [p2p type=”slug” value=”cuddly-drunks”] [p2p type=”slug” value=”grumpy-drunks”] And before anyone else points it out I know there’s a Snow White gag here somewhere… it’ll come to me.

Thai Food

GAI GOR DON – a deep fried Mars bar accompanied by bagpipes and dancing. KAO PAD GUM – a delicious deep fried cow pat garnished with well chewed bubblegum (which should still be warm and moist). PED RON – Thai version of a Mexcican dish from the East end of London. LAB GAI YANG – […]

Duck a la Range

A popular British dish where Free Range (hence the name) duck is blown to shreds with a shotgun, threatened briefly with a candle then ruined with a sickly sweet orange treacle. Usually ordered with chips. Not to be confused with the classic French dish [p2p type=”slug” value=”duck-a-lorange”].

bull bacon

bull bacon (n.) This is a genuine excerpt of an overheard conversation at a barbecue: “Oooh is that bull bacon…” “Errr…no, just normal bacon.  By the way, the other kind is called beef…” Well done Lisa Rowe! [ad#AdSense 125×125]