Author Archives: Chasman

French

I was going to get this page written by a genuine French person… but she went on strike and blocked my drive with her car.

Fiona Farbetwain

Fiona Farbetwain was a Post Mistress in the Outer Hebrides. She came to fame after the sinking of the boat normally used to deliver the post by coming up with the novel solution of wading from one island to the next on stilts.

FDS

Fact Deletion Syndrome – The uncanny ability of a newspaper to delete all relevant information from a news story.

England

The only country in the world where the bowler hat is still considered fashionable, the Carry On films hip and cool and calling women “love” or “darling” still socially acceptable.

Duck a l’Orange

A classic French dish where a duck is distracted from it’s weight training regime to be killed, incinerated and drowned in a sickly sweet orange treacle. Not to be confused with the classic British dish [p2p type=”slug” value=”duck-a-la-range”].

Alaska

The really cold one above and a bit the the left of Canada where everyone is constantly drunk on tequila from a bottle with some blokes toe in it.

Canada

The one above the USA.  This is, in fact, where all the Americans are born.  First they learn the basics by practising not saying please or thank you. Next they they learn to shoot things, execute people and drive pickup trucks.  A quick course in “How to Increase Your Carbon Footprint” and “How not to […]

Mexico

Mexico is the the cute warm little country below the USA.  It has really cool bullet ridden mud houses.  The main import for Mexico is fugitives and main exports are domestic staff and donkeys.

America (USA)

The bit above Mexico but below Canada.  The main difference between Canada and the USA is that more male citizens of the USA have had sex with an animal than have a passport.

I’m a Celibate – Get Me Out of Here!

The idea was an extremely promising one with all the usual winning ingredients: Z-list celebrities, a predictable format and a telephone vote. Each week famous celibate celebs would be taken to some temptingly erotic location and titillated until they gave in – last one standing (or unencumbered by furry handcuffs) was the winner. However, the […]

Diggle Tunny

Nestled in the Mendip hills near the river Piddling it has a chocolate box look with no roads signs and very few street lights.

Punchy Drunks

These fall broadly into three sub-categories: Comedy – lurch about swinging wildly and can’t hit a thing and can amuse you for hours but if you’re a good friend make sure they don’t hurt themselves. Professional – can hit really hard and are what Tasers were invented for.  aka “twats” or “psycopaths”. Literal – they […]

Kanelpyu (n.)

A terrible condition which afflicts anyone whose job involves repeating a breezy greeting or repetitive and insincere offer of assistance to people they really don’t care about.  This results in the creation of a whole host of new fictionary words like: Jawonanysawses? Jalykadrink? Pastrywivat? Enthintweet? Pliskallmibakon (incomprehensible phone number). Wojjalyke? Kannagajennything? Crispynutsothersnaks? Galarge? And the […]

Grumpy Drunks

Ok, you’ve got me, I put this in because of the 7 dwarves thing and can’t think of a gag… Grumpy drunks… they’re grumpy, don’t invite them to parties…

shaté (n.)

The end result of eating paté which has passed it’s sell by date.

Made-Upaline-7 Serum

A crucial active ingredient in all modern shampoos and conditioners…

Selfie-Expression

That really odd sideways and upwards look which makes the selfie taker look like they’ve had either an orgasm or a stroke…

Giggly Drunks

Prone to laughing at absolutely nothing until their eyes look just as red as [p2p type=”slug” value=”blubby-drunks”].

Sleepy Drunks

Very cute when they fall asleep, mildly annoying when they snore, yucky when they dribble in your crotch.

Cuddly Drunks

Depending on your mood and their attractiveness they can be great fun or a total liability. If attractiveness is the deciding factor – have more punch! If your mood is the deciding facor and you are any of the other [p2p type=”slug” value=”drunkenness”] types – apart from [p2p type=”slug” value=”punchy-drunks”] – drink more punch! Highly […]

Cucumber Trumpeting

The act of Cucumber Trumpeting involves hollowing out the fruit and, by adding the appropriate holes, playing it like a trumpet.  Honestly this sounds more like a flute or penny whistle to me, but I just have to go with the reasearch and trumpeting appears, at present, to be the popular term for this activity. […]

Blubby Drunks

Blubby Drunks careen around your party all evening crying and talking in that strange way where all the words run together until abruptly swinging into one of the other drunk types when they aren’t getting enough attention. Don’t let them near the punch – unless it’s our very own [p2p type=”slug” value=”bovril-punch”] – because they’ll […]

ANNY

Analyst Needs New Yacht – someone is padding the task with impressive presentations and protestations of complexity – do some more weeding.

bialance (n.)

bialance (n) :  A combination of bias and balance.  A media technique which appears to add objectivity to an item but actually allows the creator to twist the result to their preferred outcome. Technique 1: Ask a person you disagree with to come onto the program to “express their viewpoint” or “set the record straight” […]

boozeburn (n.)

That unmistakable all year round ruddiness of the raging alcoholic.