Monthly Archives: January 2015

Gruntle

Gruntle (adj) disgruntled – Unhappy; dissatisfied; frustrated. gruntled – Happy; satisfied; calm. degruntled – moved from gruntled to disgruntled of your own accord. engruntled – moved from disgruntled to gruntled – esp. by someone else. gruntlized – forced into an unwilling state of gruntlement. gruntlefied – the result of being gruntlized. gruntlation – don’t be […]

RSA

Repetitive Strain Arse: Aching or spasming of the gluteus maximus caused by fatigue. Causes of the fatigue may vary including sitting too much, standing too much and sleeping. However, the vast majority of cases are caused by people having to hold their buttocks apart while talking. Worst affected are politicians, estate agents and ex-Big Brother contestants (with […]

NFS

In computing: Networked File System. Also: Normal For Somerset: A dismissive term used for bizarre and drunken behaviour

JFDI

Just F*****g Do It – an under used programming which can cure .

Bullshit Bingo: Managers

For rules of play and other versions click . We’re making excellent progress.  We’re 80% done in 20% of the time. The project shows as a red light on the MIS. The remaining 20% is taking 80% of the time. It has to be done by <random date>.  It’s not a real deadline but we told […]

Hinkley Point (n.)

A groin injury caused as a result of failing to land a jump properly when using a Mountain bike or BMX.  Can also be caused by stopping quickly on a bicycle when you’ve just washed the saddle.

Hamsterised (adj.)

The condition of any purse or wallet when more than one year old – bulging with ancient receipts, scrappy notes, unwanted business cards, expired debt cards and perished condoms. PS I really did mean debt not debit…

Donkeymail (n. or vb.(tr))

noun: A specialised sub-genre of blackmail where the blackmailer obtains or fakes pictures of the victim in compromising position with a donkey, pony or sheep. alt: a slightly slower, yet much more reliable form of message based communication.

Bullshit Bingo: Old People

For rules of play and other versions click . You will notice there are fewer to choose from than the other versions making this the hardest version… I got you two for wash ‘n’ wear…  I’ve bought you two hideous bath mats. Are you all alright?  I want to talk about medical procedures and recent deaths. […]

Bullshit Bingo: The Rules

A simple game where you pick six items from the appropriate list then write them down, print them out.  This forms your bullshit bingo card…  During a TV or radio interview with a politician, a meeting or “core brief” at work or while talking to an elderly friend or relative tick the phrases off when […]

Drunkenness (vb.(tr))

There are five distinct kinds of drunk (click to see definitions): And before anyone else points it out I know there’s a Snow White gag here somewhere… it’ll come to me.

Corbettian (adj.)

A tendency to tell a story with frequent, lengthy, self-imposed digressions, but always returning unerringly to the original topic.

Thai Food

GAI GOR DON – a deep fried Mars bar accompanied by bagpipes and dancing. KAO PAD GUM – a delicious deep fried cow pat garnished with well chewed bubblegum (which should still be warm and moist). PED RON – Thai version of a Mexcican dish from the East end of London. LAB GAI YANG – […]

FDS

FDS – Fact Deletion Syndrome – The uncanny ability of a newspaper to delete all relevant information from a news story

Bumulet (n.)

An elaborate protective pendant for your bottom.

Duck a la Range

A popular British dish where Free Range (hence the name) duck is blown to shreds with a shotgun, threatened briefly with a candle then ruined with a sickly sweet orange treacle. Usually ordered with chips. Not to be confused with the classic French dish .

Bendidorm (n.)

A dormitory full of inflatable bunk beds.

Somerset Thrush

  Arguably a very plain looking bird which more than makes up for its humdrum appearance with some spectacularly unusual behaviour. Drinking Habits: Fond of bird baths but only if filled with cider. Eating Habits: An exclusive diet of earthworms which it brings to the surface by headbutting the lawn – usually after drinking a […]

Klingon Geese

Sometimes you make things up and they actually turn out to be real, who’d a thunk it?

Computer (n.)

A machine which vastly increases the speed at which you can make mistakes while exponentially increasing the trust you place in the erroneous answers it gives you.

bull bacon

bull bacon (n.) This is a genuine excerpt of an overheard conversation at a barbecue: “Oooh is that bull bacon…” “Errr…no, just normal bacon.  By the way, the other kind is called beef…” Well done Lisa Rowe! [ad#AdSense 125×125]

NTBFW

NTBFW (abbrev.) Not to be f****d with.  A term which applies to anyone older than about 12 who hasn’t got over burning ants with a magnifying glass, shooting toy soldiers and model aircraft with an air rifle or pulling the legs off a spider, shouting orders at it and believing it doesn’t move because it’s […]

Alcohove

Alcohove (n.) An alcove with a drunk peeing in it…

Beanoitis

Beanoitis (n.) A sudden propensity for using the word “cripes” accompanied by an uncontrollable urge to make a big heap of mashed potato with sausages sticking out of it. PS Those of you who, due to age or geography, have no idea what I’m talking about, may wish to go to Beano Town It’s genteel […]

Sorry ’bout that…